Closed to @divinestrike

[pale_elf]

 [In the past few days, Astarion's focus had been entirely on their journey. Theatrics as a whole went down, he took some distance from the others and while he was basically forced to take part of the Shar's Gauntlet by Raphael he didn't... talk that much. Hell, he spoke more to Halsin as a whole than anyone else, mostly because Nepione invited the druid with them and the idiot decided to follow. 

The vampire had been... more selfless than he thought he could be. In the fake morning of the Shadow Cursed lands, when everyone got out of their tents, he made sure to pass right by Halsin, stomp his foot and hiss in his direction to go compliment Nepione instead of standing there like an idiot. And, in order to protect both himself and the tiefling, actually pushed them to do things together whenever he had an excuse to follow Shadowheart. The trial where they had to stay hidden in the shadows? He accepted the cleric's desire to try face those herself and fully focused in guiding her through the shadows, the traps and everything- it would have taken him so little to just cast invisibility and go through it on his own but that allowed the druid and the other cleric to explore just a bit more on their own.

He even kicked Halsin, once, telling him to follow Nepione as she took the right path to check a room and Shadowheart went the opposite direction. Something on the notes of 'we shouldn't completely go alone, it's stupid. And you're double stupid for not moving your stupider ass'. A true peak of pettiness, something he wasn't too proud of, but he was... angry. And scared. If anyone questioned his mood he just muttered a 'Raphael' and moved on, after all it was half of the truth. He needed to keep Nepione away, he was possibly the most dangerous person for her in the entire camp. Yet she did come to his help when he was frozen in the trial of combat, staring at the mirror image of himself: he had not seen his reflection in almost two hundred years and much to his shock he didn't recognize the face looking at him. The little self awareness he still had told him the eyes were the wrong color, even if he couldn't recall the original one, told him the person he built in his head was not what he had in front. And it hurt. His other self was about to stab him with a dagger when a bright blast pushed it to the side and snapped Astarion out of his shock. She was also there when he got hurt while fighting Balthazar, patching another large gash in his forearm to allow him to continue.

He still barely spoke in her direction, merely offer his tanks and moving forward, pretending only to be focused on his task to kill Yurgir and, after his death, only moving toward the trials of shar. With a stomach full of mushroom soup- Halsin warned them the rats had something 'wrong' and it was better not to eat them (he could have just warned the vampire directly, but...), he pushed forward. 

It was under Shadowheart's request that they decided to camp for a moment, right after the last trial. They had everything they needed to recover the Nightsong, including a weird new lance, and they all knew that once they got the artifact there was no going back.

Astarion... had to admit a few hours of meditation were probably for the better, considering both him and the Selunite cleric apparently decided to push themselves far too much. One probably because she wanted out of that place as soon as possible, the other because- the sooner it was done, the sooner he could go back to ignore everyone in the camp.


He turned around to look at both Halsin and Shadowheart, who were both already on an improvised bedroll in a cold corner of the place. The druid was probably going to take the next guard turn, but the vampire had to admit to himself he was worried about the tiefling. She was sitting by the smallest fireplace, trying to keep warm without killing everyone with smoke, and... still running. He glanced down at his blanket, then back to her, and instead of taking his so needed rest, the vampire walked in her direction.]

You... should probably rest. You need sleep more than I do and I don't think I will be able to sleep until Raphael shows up.

[It was a lie, but he made sure to sound as sincere as possible while stepping by the fire and placing the tattered, dirty mess of his blanket on her shoulders. He couldn't be sweeter, he couldn't let her get even closer, but he could at least keep his eyes open until the useless druid decided to wake up. His logical side was focused on keeping distance and making sure no one got too involved, his heart was desperately thinking of ways to keep her safe in the house of her enemy. Overall, he managed to keep a neutral expression as he sat down by the fire and stared at the flames.]

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[pale_elf]

[Whatever she wanted to say, he knew that if he asked for her to explain herself better things would have gotten even more out of control, so he merely stood there in silence pretending he didn't see or feel her flush, it was a matter of self preservation on his part and it felt like the only way to move forward. He waited for her to curl with ehr hea on his lap and pushed back his emotions, this was merely a necessary step to get her to relax and hopefully sleep.

Thinking too hard about anything that regarded her scared him, so he limited himself to basic actions. Like reaching to adjust her blanket to make sure she's be covered enough, stopping to caress her shoulder while moving back and then just... adjusting his position to better let her hold onto his leg without pressing against her flesh, not to block her circulation. At least he was wearing gloves and leather, the coldness of his body wasn't too evident like this.

He could at least tell himself that perhaps the reason she wanted to be with him and not with Halsin was the simple fact that no one would even believe that she had anything with a vampire, who would, but with the druid was complely a different story. Whatever were her reasons, he wanted to support her before their eventual fall.]

You can stay as long as you want. You can talk as long as you want. I will not let anything sneak on you, that much I can promise.

[This was a weakness of his, it was so incredibly evident, yet instead of pushing her away he could only sit there, moving his hand against her neck, resting it there and using his gloved thumb to caress her cheek.]

Anyone who could keep you warm would be better, but as.... friends... I'm here.

[divinestrike]

[Would he have said the same thing if he knew how she felt about him? She wondered. Perhaps not. Maybe in those respects it was better, if not a little selfish of her, to have kept it to herself. Heart-to-heart conversations were not a strong suit for either of them. Words were so difficult, at that. She didn't have the wordsmith tongue that Gale and Halsin had. There was no way she was going to be able to say anything particularly useful or well-put to him.

Not the way she would have liked to. Even Astarion was better with his use of language.

She felt incredibly aware of him, then. Each movement. Each time he touched her or adjusted his blanket. She felt even more aware of herself, the very prominent thump of her heart. And when she thought she could have somewhat ignored it whilst trying to figure out something to say, or if she ought to have left him in silence, much of that thought left her.

His hand found her neck and involuntarily, her pulse quickened. His touch moved again, glove dusting over her cheek and it quickened further. One might have thought that she allowed him to touch her at all said a great deal about herself. And in a way, it did. She wanted to collect herself. To not struggle against the growing... Well.

She would have called it want. And that was a very difficult thing for her to feel. Because she wanted so desperately to respect him.

Either way, she could not help thinking that she enjoyed it. That touch. That she would have enjoyed it even more without his gloves. That she would have let him do so more in those moments. Lifting a hand slowly, she carefully reached up to trace over the back of his glove, just scarcely pressing her fingers between his.

When he made her feel the way he did, she wasn't thinking too much about the cold.]

Perhaps. [She conceded quietly, her own touch against him restless, perhaps betraying the effect he had on her, just barely contained under flimsy composition.] But you're the one I want. [She almost didn't think she said it aloud, and when she played it back, she had a moment's anxiety flutter up along her, before she politely cleared her throat. Offering his hand the gentlest squeeze, she finally shifted onto her back, so she could look up at him from where she was so dearly nestled.]

...Either do that more or not at all. [She continued quietly, guiding his hand back against the turn of her neck.] I shouldn't need to tell you which one I want. I imagine... that you already know.

[Unless he wanted to hear. Unless he needed to hear.]

[pale_elf]

[He would have remarked it even more if he knew, because this kind of conversation was not something he felt ready to face. It was almost scarier than dealing with his own scar and Cazador related issues. While the vampire had a tongue of gold himself when he had to lie, this was not something he could handle smoothly. Stupid feelings, stupid unnecessary things that were quite literally holding him down.

He wanted to believe her increased heartbeat was out of fear, that would have been much easier to handle, but no. Her hand moved up against his glove, sending involuntary shivers down his spine, and then the words came.

A month ago he would have rejoiced in a plan well executed, that was he wanted to begin with, but now he didn't know how to proceed. Turning her down would have been too harsh, she deserved more than that and he didn't want to touch her self esteem, accepting her feelings- it was not an option, it was too dangerous for both of them and it stopped being a possible choice the moment he realized Nepione wasn't just a person he wanted to use as a wall between himself and his former master. He took his time to think about it, mindlessly turning his hand to intertwine his fingers with hers. There was no one listening, unless the druid was somewhat awake, but the man's breaths were too regular to be e deception, so maybe... he could try to be honest? At least in part?]

That... I... you need to search elsewhere. [Oh, great, so much for letting her down gracefully when it wasn't his intention to hurt him.] Anyone who gets seriously involved with me ends in a terrible way. It happened too many times to be a coincidence and you deserve better than that. I really mean it, Nepione, this- no. Just no.

[He couldn't even look at her in the face when she shifted her position, he couldn't... even think of getting closer if she was inviting him to feed, nor to take any movement that would get them closer. This was as open as he could be about his past experience, as delicate as he could be in turning her down and as direct as he managed to be in letting her know it wasn't her nature as a Tiefling or anything she did that made things impossible between them. Hell, he didn't even say he personally didn't want to be with her, because it was so not true.

But it was back to lies and deception as he turned his hand to fully caress her neck for a moment before moving it to her cheek instead.]

I'm not really hungry... maybe another time.

[He didn't want to risk getting even more attached to her than he already was.]

[divinestrike]

[The more surprising notion was the feeling of his fingers weaving carefully between hers. Like some unspoken... she wouldn't have called it agreement. Understanding, perhaps. That a part of him knew already what she thought. How she felt, though she supposed there was not much in the way of what she said that wasn't evident already. Short of simply using special, weighted words like 'love,' she suspected she got her point across.

In listening to him, it was all she did. No protests. No arguments. She wasn't really asking anything of him. Not asking him for anything, either. She'd never much felt that she could. It would have been irresponsible of her. Not just with him, either. It would have been irresponsible regardless of who was on the other end, which was another unspoken reason for why she wasn't inclined to get involved with Halsin.

Lying with Astarion, she could handle. Doing next to nothing. Simply admiring, talking, holding his hands. She could do all of those easily enough. Anything beyond that, she suspected she only ever would have been a disappointment. If not then, certainly later. But she heard him well enough. Understood him well enough. He was worried about her. Genuinely worried. Afraid that he wouldn't have been able to protect her.

She wondered if anyone else had ever cared about her like that before. For some moments, she looked curious. Minutely so, anyway. No judgement. No particular hurt, and she wasn't really hurt. That was the nice thing about not having expectations of him to begin with. He couldn't disappoint her, because she'd never pinned any hopes on him. If anything, she'd only ever been incredibly realistic when it came to who he was.

After a moment's consideration, she simply accepted what he said, not feeling any need to address it more than he already had. Instead, she laughed a little.]

That's not what I was suggesting. [She admitted, wondering how else she could have said it. She had long since established he wasn't going to do any feeding off of her and why should he have? As a tiefling, she couldn't imagine there was anything appealing about her blood. She was probably as wretched as Araj.] I just meant that I kind of liked it when you touched me there.

[Turning back onto her side, she set her focus back on the fire, content enough to turn her thoughts back onto where she suspected they more properly belonged.]

[pale_elf]

[He had no right to feel as content as he was while gently touching her, yet he did. This was something she wanted, this was something he could provide without strings attached of any sorts. His hands moved down, resting on her neck once more, caressing it with care and bringing his thumb up to scratch behind her ear. His mind focused on the fact that she was there, alive, under his lucky blanket and as long as he managed to stay awake, safe. Once they reached Baldur's Gate, he had to put even more distance between them, Cazador couldn't know he cared about another, but for now he just enjoyed the moment.

The man shook his head, glancing around in the shadows of the temple and returning his attention to the fire. He had eventtually to get up and find more wood, but until then he could allow himself to stay. His hand wandered up, gently touching her cheek, pushing her hair to the side and even daring to caress the base of her horn before moving back down to her neck and then daring to slide it under her armor to caress her shoulder. Nothing indecent, nothing that one would associate with the loud mouthed flirt he usually was, just a simple chaste caress as he stared at everything but her.

Even if there was some infatuation, she had all the time to move on.

As long as they survived the Shadow Cursed lands and whatever awaited them in the city. He nervously laughed with her, shaking his head once more. They were all so fucked.]

I can do that, yes, just don't tell Scratch about this. He'll get jealous, he always asks me for cuddles and I am just too cool to concede my hands to everyone. So many begging for my touch, I'd never get anything done if I spent my time petting every soul.

[See? He was doing her a favor, not to himself. No matter if he took more comfort from this than he cared to admit.]

Do you want me to try to talk you to sleep? I do have a few stories to share. Or do you want to talk?

[divinestrike]

Oh, I would never dare compete with Scratch. I know how much you like him. I understand very much that he is your favourite.

[It wasn't what she wanted to say at all. She wanted to reassure him that she would be fine. She wanted to reassure him that she would do anything necessary to help him. That wasn't going to change, regardless of what did or didn't happen between them. He could have made the executive decision that nothing was ever going to happen (which very much seemed like the thing he'd already done) and she would have been fine with that as well.

It had to be enough that he tested her limits the way he was, and it was only all right for him to do so because she had wanted for him to. And if she could let him close enough to her to even get that far, then it did certainly imply that eventually she could let others do the same. As despite whatever existed between her and Astarion, he still couldn't play the role of someone she could emotionally rely on. But if she didn't find that, if she didn't attempt to create and foster something like that, eventually that restraint and discipline of hers would fall to pieces.

When he asked of her, she didn't say anything immediately. Simply took what he was willing to give her.]

I'm not certain what you'd want me to talk about. I told you, I'm not interested in falling asleep. I just want to stay like this until we're ready to leave. I suspect you won't allow me to do this again. If I fall asleep, I won't be able to truly experience it. So I will take each and every moment afforded to me, and I will cherish them. That... may sound selfish of me, and it is, but I have spent so very long being selfless, that I feel I have earned this.