Closed to @divinestrike

[pale_elf]

 [In the past few days, Astarion's focus had been entirely on their journey. Theatrics as a whole went down, he took some distance from the others and while he was basically forced to take part of the Shar's Gauntlet by Raphael he didn't... talk that much. Hell, he spoke more to Halsin as a whole than anyone else, mostly because Nepione invited the druid with them and the idiot decided to follow. 

The vampire had been... more selfless than he thought he could be. In the fake morning of the Shadow Cursed lands, when everyone got out of their tents, he made sure to pass right by Halsin, stomp his foot and hiss in his direction to go compliment Nepione instead of standing there like an idiot. And, in order to protect both himself and the tiefling, actually pushed them to do things together whenever he had an excuse to follow Shadowheart. The trial where they had to stay hidden in the shadows? He accepted the cleric's desire to try face those herself and fully focused in guiding her through the shadows, the traps and everything- it would have taken him so little to just cast invisibility and go through it on his own but that allowed the druid and the other cleric to explore just a bit more on their own.

He even kicked Halsin, once, telling him to follow Nepione as she took the right path to check a room and Shadowheart went the opposite direction. Something on the notes of 'we shouldn't completely go alone, it's stupid. And you're double stupid for not moving your stupider ass'. A true peak of pettiness, something he wasn't too proud of, but he was... angry. And scared. If anyone questioned his mood he just muttered a 'Raphael' and moved on, after all it was half of the truth. He needed to keep Nepione away, he was possibly the most dangerous person for her in the entire camp. Yet she did come to his help when he was frozen in the trial of combat, staring at the mirror image of himself: he had not seen his reflection in almost two hundred years and much to his shock he didn't recognize the face looking at him. The little self awareness he still had told him the eyes were the wrong color, even if he couldn't recall the original one, told him the person he built in his head was not what he had in front. And it hurt. His other self was about to stab him with a dagger when a bright blast pushed it to the side and snapped Astarion out of his shock. She was also there when he got hurt while fighting Balthazar, patching another large gash in his forearm to allow him to continue.

He still barely spoke in her direction, merely offer his tanks and moving forward, pretending only to be focused on his task to kill Yurgir and, after his death, only moving toward the trials of shar. With a stomach full of mushroom soup- Halsin warned them the rats had something 'wrong' and it was better not to eat them (he could have just warned the vampire directly, but...), he pushed forward. 

It was under Shadowheart's request that they decided to camp for a moment, right after the last trial. They had everything they needed to recover the Nightsong, including a weird new lance, and they all knew that once they got the artifact there was no going back.

Astarion... had to admit a few hours of meditation were probably for the better, considering both him and the Selunite cleric apparently decided to push themselves far too much. One probably because she wanted out of that place as soon as possible, the other because- the sooner it was done, the sooner he could go back to ignore everyone in the camp.


He turned around to look at both Halsin and Shadowheart, who were both already on an improvised bedroll in a cold corner of the place. The druid was probably going to take the next guard turn, but the vampire had to admit to himself he was worried about the tiefling. She was sitting by the smallest fireplace, trying to keep warm without killing everyone with smoke, and... still running. He glanced down at his blanket, then back to her, and instead of taking his so needed rest, the vampire walked in her direction.]

You... should probably rest. You need sleep more than I do and I don't think I will be able to sleep until Raphael shows up.

[It was a lie, but he made sure to sound as sincere as possible while stepping by the fire and placing the tattered, dirty mess of his blanket on her shoulders. He couldn't be sweeter, he couldn't let her get even closer, but he could at least keep his eyes open until the useless druid decided to wake up. His logical side was focused on keeping distance and making sure no one got too involved, his heart was desperately thinking of ways to keep her safe in the house of her enemy. Overall, he managed to keep a neutral expression as he sat down by the fire and stared at the flames.]

Comments

[divinestrike]

[Their trip thus far had already been very complicated. She wasn't certain that it needed to be even more so, but having Raphael hosting a part in it, the gauntlet of Shar itself, wondering what Shadowheart might have been thinking, puzzling over Astarion's recent days (?) of behaviour, and everything else had all been... Just additional complications atop preexisting complications. It certainly felt like every time she turned around, there was Halsin with those green eyes, and that kind smile that she feared might possibly make her go weak in the knees.

...She wondered a little why that was. Not that they had been particularly shy about spending time with one another, but it was just so much. Perhaps because they were closer, she thought, to lifting the curse that rested atop the realm. It certainly seemed Halsin felt the same way. He knew more about it than she did. If anyone was going to know what was going on, then it was surely him.

Regardless, having him around so often was... Well. She tried not to think about it too much.

When they were afforded some moments to rest, which felt entirely out of place for her, she had a moment's respite from company. Just some moments to her thoughts, though it was likely she'd taken way too many of those already. When had she truly last slept? It felt like her eyes shut for perhaps, moments at a time before she inevitably wound up waking shortly after just to go right back to it. And if she was going to be sleeping like that, there was no longer any point in sleeping.

Parked by the relatively small fire, staring deep into the flames, somewhere very, very far away, Astarion's voice made her jump and a little flutter of anxiety ripped right up along the ridges in her spine. As she turned her attention onto him, felt the blanket that he draped around her, she simply watched him for some moments, finally loosing a breath.]

Hells, you gave me a fright.

[And then she shook her head, turning her attention back onto the fire in front of her, shifting the way she sat to draw her knees to her chest.]

I can't sleep. Wouldn't even matter if I tried, so I might as well stay up. At least I can be somewhat useful and keep myself busy. We're so close. [Lifting her hands, she tightened them into fists, gripping at nothing other than idle air, the claws leaving little marks in the heels of her palms.] We're so close. It's right there. It's all I can think about.

[Untrue. She was thinking about a great many things, but it was true that thinking about the gauntlet, what it could result in, drove her forward. Gave her something to obsess over.]

[pale_elf]

[Anything he did, he blamed on Raphael. The only thing he couldn't quite place on the devil's shoulders was the increased hostility toward Halsin, nor his pushing him and the cleric to spend time together. He hated doing so, he hated when that bodybuilder elf smiles at her and he could feel her blood rushing just faster, it made his non flowing blood boil- but it was the right thing to do. If he even dared to whisper himself a 'maybe', then he was greeted by Sebastian's laughter as he asked Astarion to say his name over and over, voice overflowing with love and affection, he was greeted by the songs a forgotten lovely boy sand for him- and he knew that giving himself any ground was only going to doom both of them.

He could still give her something, like the blanket he treasured more than anything else, something he patched for decades, with the excuse to keep her warm, but that was it. He had to sound... practical. Pragmatic. Only devoted to the task in front of them.

At least taking care of her in the sense of helping her rest was something he could simply categorize as 'taking care of the group' in front of everyone. He listened, nodded and focused on the flames just for a second before getting up again.]

I have a potion of sleep with me. At least you can use it, with me... well, I'm an elf. [He shrugged. No spell or potion could force him into a meditative state, but Nepione was luckier than him in that sense. He barely waited for a reply before kneeling right next to his bag and starting to check inside it for the vials he needed. I promise I will wake you all up as soon as anything alerts me of potential danger. I mean, it's not you were paying attention to our surroundings if I managed to spook you.

[It was while searching that a familiar gleam attracted his attention. Oh. He did remember those two rings. The quartermaster who identified them for him barely wanted to give money for those two pieces and Astarion saved them only because he hoped to find fools interested in buying them. Ah. Looks like he was the fool, after all. Pretending to work on his little search, using as much discreetion as possible, he slid one of the rings under his missile snaring gloves and hid the other one in the palm of his hands before approaching Nepione again, horrible smelling purple vial in the same hand. He was a master at stealing jewelry without being seen, he just had to apply his knowledge backward here.]

See? If you don't think you should do it for yourself, you should do it for the group. We need you at your very best.

[It wasn't what he really thought, but he had to put it in a self serving manner if he wanted to put distance between them, right? And he knew that pushing Nepione had to be done with care, if he put things in a way that made it clear she was helping everyone with this- perhaps she wasn't going to object too much. The vampire flopped down at her side once more, offering his free hand with the palm up.]

Please, take it? Do it for us? Give me your hand and I will explain how to take it without falling in the kind of sleep that requires people to bonk your head to wake you up

[divinestrike]

I'm... not exactly comfortable relying on that.

[Was how she initially replied, and it was true. A potion of sleep was likely to set her down right flat. For all that she could concoct potions and elixirs for others, she had largely attempted to avoid using any of them herself. She already knew what she was like when she had the occasional drink here and there. If she could barely get through those without making a fool of herself, then it seemed a silly thing to look into her elixirs. Or things like sleeping potions. They would likely only be too effective.

Even with Astarion claiming he'd wake her. In truth, she suspected if he was going to protect her, he wouldn't have woken her at all. Was it as if she needed to be involved, really? Perhaps not. She, herself, was just a body. All they had to do was move her in the vicinity, since she had the artefact. But they easily could have just given it to Shadowheart and left her behind with the others.

Drawing his blanket around her a little more securely, she listened to what he was rifling through, though didn't really make any notes on it, for she thought in the grand spectrum of things, it wasn't as important. It was only when he found himself at her side again that she looked over to him and the potion he was offering her.]

I'll— [A beat of hesitation ensued before she continued.] —I'll think about it. I thought I might stay up a little more. I can't really afford to think about much when we're in the thick of it. We're finally getting a moment to sit, so I want to spend some time thinking.

[But just to give him a little reassurance, even if she wasn't inclined to take it, she reached for the bottle, holding it up as she tilted it a touch, watching the way she could see the reflection of the fire atop its glassy surface.]

Why aren't you meditating? Only one of us needs to be up at a time.

[pale_elf]

Oh, please, why not? I promise I am past my attempts to behead everyone in the camp. Ops, did I say that out loud?

[Clearly a small joke, he was back at apparently taking nothing seriously around her if not for short, short moments. He could understand her worries, being in the house of her goddess's evil sister and being the leader of a group that was probably marching to its doom. It was moment like this that made Astarion wonder why he didn't join the bad guys, they seemed to have it much better, to have way more control of the situation, but he just had to watch at his side to know he wasn't going to turn his back to the group.

He wasn't going to lead Nepione to her doom.

This was exactly why feelings were a weakness, he couldn't even say the L word in his mind but he knew he was making terrible decisions because he was driven by something more than self survival. He gulped down when the Tiefling reached for the little bottle, staring at her fingers for a moment and cursing the fact convincing her to rest was going to be much harder than he thought.]

You want to be sure I wake you up? I could let you sleep on my lap, you know? Oh, very generous of me, I know, but my legs do make for the perfect pillow.

[He was flowery and flirty as he reached forward, apparently trying to hold her hand between his own. The plan was slightly different, though, since as soon as he was close enough, the vampire simply used his skills to slide the little trinket around her ring finger, barely scratching his gloves against her claws but it was worth it in his head. Before she could react in any way, he was already lifting his hands up to cast the ward in the most deceptive way, letting a golden aura appear around her but pretending it was not his doing. He now just had to sound arrogant, smug, and call it a day.]

Oh oh oh! And it is done! Already attuned! Worry not, it is not cursed, but I had to make sure your little generous heart wouldn't go gift this one around when it's perfect for your safety.

Oh, and worry not, there's no way I am sleeping tonight. Day? you know what I mean.

[divinestrike]

[In both a subtle frustration and an appreciative agitation, it wasn't entirely impossible for her to imagine resting her head in his lap. Maybe as he was reading something, even. If he just left a hand in her hair. She could have seen that as being very relaxing. Maybe then she wouldn't have had a need for a sleeping potion. She wondered how many of her sleepless nights came from a lack of comfort. Not because of bedrolls or anything like that, but because she had so much inside of her that there was simply no release for it. It wasn't as if she could just tell anyone when she was upset, afraid, angry, concerned, insecure. It took the right person to have that conversation with and frankly... she didn't feel anyone in camp was exactly right for it.

They all had their own issues, after all. Why talk about her own? But then what was she supposed to do? Nepione had developed the unhealthy habit of simply holding it all to her, wondering when she might snap and crack and fall into pieces. Where it might happen. Who might witness it. Terrifying notions, really. A head in Astarion's lap was better than that.

He did not give her much time to respond to that flirtatious offer, though she might have surprised him with a touch of acceptance. She didn't get the opportunity to say much else as he took her hand between his, finding herself leaning back just a touch as he neared her, the little pitter-patter of her heart rising. She couldn't exactly say what happened. Where the flutter of light had come from. What it meant. Or what it had to do with the ring that graced her hand.

Turning her hand back and forth to look at it, to the best of her inconspicuous ability, she attempted to eye him. ...Why? A gift? A curse? What was its purpose? Why couldn't he just... be straight forward? He was when it came to flirting with her. How was this any different?

Except that was a stupid question.]

...When you say it's not cursed, it's strange, but I have a hard time not thinking it is. [She admitted.] You know, you can just give me things. You don't need to be clever about it. Of course, if this is actually cursed, I would at least like to understand what you've gotten me into. [But if it was a present...] I don't understand you. What you're doing. With me. If this is some kind of ruse, just be done with it. It's cruel, otherwise. Unless you feel I deserve that.

[She found herself eyeing Halsin in the corner he'd designated for himself, deep in his meditations. She wondered what direction she was supposed to go in, not realising that it all provided a good distraction for some of the lesser pleasant things she'd had stuck in her head.]

[pale_elf]

[If she asked just few days before, he would have fully welcomed her. A resting head on his lap was nothing in the greater scheme of things. Now the simple idea made his knees weak and his chest flutter and- if she was the one who asked, he would have still offered himself as a pillow. Astarion wanted to see her take some time for herself, breathe, not be constantly involved in everyone's troubles- it worried him. Especially because getting her to share any of that weight was almost impossible and his new 'distance' wasn't going to help things either.

He smiled, instead of expressing his worries, and brought both hands behind his back, slightly wiggling back and forth on the spot. Now he just had to come up with a believable lie to make sure she was going to keep it and make sure she didn't trust in it if Astarion wasn't able for whatever reason to prepare the ward. She had to know the short lived glow was the activation signal and that- huh... sometimes the ring could not function? He glanced toward the fire on his left, feeling the weight of his very sudden choice. Zero preparation time was still zero preparation time.]

It is not. [That he could at least say with certainty.] I... don't think you would have accepted it. It's a warding ring. It protects the wearer from any normal weapon's damage and gives you extra resistance to many things- I couldn't see any scenario in which you wouldn't offer it to someone else instead. It... will activate daily. Maybe not often, it's a bit defective, so don't do anything stupid until you see the glow. It's also bound to you until you die or it runs out of magic so...

[So if he died, she would at least be smart enough not to trust the ring anymore.]

But you-

[He could... offer something, at least? he didn't want to hurt her. She didn't deserve to be sad because of him and perhaps it was cruel but he couldn't be honest about his feelings. There was just no life for him. Nor with him. Raphael's need for something so big for a translation, a whole hunt for another devil, scared him. And... he was undead anyway. IF he somehow managed to survive Cazador and the Absolute, he was just going to see everyone pass by and fade at some point, possibly only Withers was going to stick around. He still let out a big sigh and decided to let her go with something positive to cling on, even if it was not the truth.]

I care. Against my better judgement. I think... we're... [Even using that word sincerely was difficult and it took him a moment to get it out, unable to even look in Nepione's direction.] friends? I think? It's not something I usually do. I don't usually care. I guess being under the sun for once made me a bit softer? Ugh, pathetic, I know.

[He did follow her gaze to the druid and even if it crushed his heart, Astarion leaned forward, placing one hand on her knee and whispering in a reassuring manner.]

Go to him. He won't push you away. Resting comes easier when you're with someone you trust- or so I have been told. I don't think I can close my eyes for a second. Raphael whispered in my eyes I really, really want to seal our deal and know what's on my back before reaching Baldur's Gate. Whatever it is, it's not good and... I don't think I can get my head away from it.

[At least he had that excuse, even if didn't cover the real reason he was so restless.]

[divinestrike]

[...

He had a very valid reason for not giving it to her straightaway then, it seemed. He was right. She always put others above her. If she'd thought someone else needed it, she would have given it easily. Instead, it was something that he evidently wanted very specifically for her. Which made her look at it in a completely different light. Why did things have to be so difficult? What made him think she was even worthy? Because she certainly wasn't.

At least, not in her less-than-glorified opinion.

In her quiet, she admired the way it looked, gentle and dainty. Unsuspecting. Pretty. Tracing the pad of her thumb over it wordlessly, it was as he spoke that she turned her head ever in slight, just enough to catch him from the corner of her gaze. She knew that he thought of her as important. She knew that he cared about her in some way. At least, so he'd said previously, though she'd struggled to determine truth from fiction with him a multitude of times.

At the campfire and when she thought about the night that she had simply held him, both moments felt very real. Weighted. Significant. He said 'friends.' Yes, she supposed they were. At the very least. It must have been a very difficult thing for him to start caring about anyone. For a plethora of reasons. Wanting to care, being afraid to do so. How very human of him. She felt the same way, too. Wanting to be able to express that better, terrified to do so, afraid of what the repercussions could be. On him, she got it. On herself, she just felt like a pathetic coward.

As she was still watching Halsin rest, Astarion's words hit her ear and she focused more fully upon the vampire spawn.]

No.

["He won't push you away."

No. She knew that. If she even dared to— Well. That part wasn't important. It was the way Astarion put it. Halsin wouldn't push her away. Not... the way Astarion would? Were those the words he was hiding? Or was she just seeing something that didn't actually exist? Certainly would have explained his behaviour as of recent. Pushing and pulling. Still afraid. What was he so afraid of when it came to her? Had she not proven herself?

...Maybe not.]

If I did, he would get the wrong idea. My... [She paused for some moments, drawing her gaze aside.] My feelings lie elsewhere. [Which was true. That she was even willing to admit that she had some seemed like a remarkable step forward. Much less that she was willing to say such a thing aloud.]

If our heads are both so overgrown with the weight of our burdens, I don't see the harm in us simply sharing company. Misery loves company is what they say, Astarion. If you're not willing to believe that, then at least try to believe that there's strength in unity. That not a single one of us can carry everything ourselves. You told me that before. You need to tell yourself that, too.

[A moment, and then.]

You aren't special. You need others as much as they need you. Believe it or don't. You can deny it all you want, but the only person you'll really end up hurting is yourself. What's the point of living if you're just going to do that? Why even bother fighting once you've reached that?

[pale_elf]

[To think that was an excuse he threw up in a moment. Giving the ring had been an impulse decision, oen that went against his own basis of self survival, and his brain just threw in a patchwork of what he thought could stick as excuse. He wanted to avoid big speeches, big presents and wanted to make sure she had no chance to say no, so... that's how he landed. At least the ring was now in her hands and he just had to make sure he was discreet while casting his ward every morning. It... was probaly going to be useful considering their next step was probably the Moonrise tower as soon as they reached the artifact.

If he was going to put any effort in protecting anyone, it was going to be her.

He gave her all the time to check the ring and merely moved just a bit closer to the flames to toss a piece of wood in the fire. They... probably needed to break more things if they wanted it to last until morning, but as long as the other managed to stay warm it wasn't a problem for the cold blooded elf. He couldn't even quite feel the cold unless it was too much and it started to freeze his limbs. And she... she had his blanket, at least. It was full of holes and Astarion didn't want to tell her it was the same piece of cloth he had been buried into, but... it was at least moderately warm.

Analyzing anything else was too much for him. Already allowing the word 'friend' to leave his lips had been difficult, thinking or focusing on any other feeling- he was Astarion, fappish, fun of energies nobleman who rarely took anything seriously, that was the reputation he had to keep. She already got to see far too much of his more vulnerable side, he had to be careful on how much to share.]

Mh?

[She didn't want to go to the druid, huh? He could only think of her past words and how she probably worried on how it would reflect on her. He could understand that, and that probably reflected how she would have replied if he seriously offered his lap- good to know he didn't embarrass himself in such a way. Her next words only got a chuckle from him-]

All devoted to the cause and everyone in the group, mh? I should... have expected a reply like this. But it's admirable that your feelings lie with so many people.

[Part of her charm, honestly. Even if he had a hard time to appreciate people who offered so much of them to others, he somehow ended liking it in her. Oh, why couldn't they go back to when things were easier and he just wanted to use that woman?]

While I appreciate your words, they're... a bit pointless. At least in my situation. [Him, Karlach and Gale were running out of time, one way or another, and no one could change that. In Astarion's case, strength in unity meant nothing: they couldn't overcome a vampire master, his thralls, six more spawns and an army of fanatics that was serving him.] And, trust me, I know I need others. Almost as much as you need sleep.

[He needed her to shut up. He didn't need Nepione to bring up his worries, how he had a goal in surviving his master, if even possible, and the tadpole without knowing how to move right after. What was even a spawn supposed to do in its freedom, assuming the best of all options? From Astarion's point of view he was like Gale and Karlach: still fighting, but running out of time.

He ended up sighing, trying to choose what to do, and reached up for her shoulder, trying to pull her down on his lap to make her rest. If she was going to get angry like he suspected, even better. How dared she make him feel so exposed? He didn't care about the horns, nor about how uncomfortably he was going to sit unless she moved away, his priority was to chance the topic and make sure she couldn't see his face.]

I will wake you up before the others, so no one will get the 'wrong idea'.

[divinestrike]

No, it's not—

[It took her only moments to air that protest before her words locked in her throat. She could just say them. Just to have gotten them out. It wasn't as if anyone else was going to hear. They had all been ragged, pushing themselves to their very limits. The only person who would hear was the one set of ears who actually needed to hear.]

...It... isn't like that at all. I mean. Y-yes, of course I want to protect everyone. But that's not what I was... That's not at all what I was saying.

[And most of that was lost to her murmur and the telltale flush of her cheeks. What he followed up with sobered her almost immediately. Assuming she wasn't already like so to begin with. Pointless. She didn't think anything she had to say was pointless. She didn't like that he thought that of her. But he must have meant it in some way. Or truly believed it.

His touch found her shoulder and for some moments, she found herself looking at him almost imploringly. Until he coaxed her to his lap and after a moment's consideration, she conceded, a softening of her expression, somehow hardened by their experiences and yet so fragile beneath the strength she had to portray for others. Setting her attention back onto the fire, as she carefully made herself comfortable, taking a similar amount of care with her horns, she lifted a hand, a slender arm, and carefully curled her hold about his leg. Perhaps tighter than he would have liked, but enough for her to feel secure.]

...I just want to lie here with you. I just want to be close to you. I feel safest like that. I won't talk anymore if that's what bothers you. Just let me stay with you, Astarion.

[pale_elf]

[Whatever she wanted to say, he knew that if he asked for her to explain herself better things would have gotten even more out of control, so he merely stood there in silence pretending he didn't see or feel her flush, it was a matter of self preservation on his part and it felt like the only way to move forward. He waited for her to curl with ehr hea on his lap and pushed back his emotions, this was merely a necessary step to get her to relax and hopefully sleep.

Thinking too hard about anything that regarded her scared him, so he limited himself to basic actions. Like reaching to adjust her blanket to make sure she's be covered enough, stopping to caress her shoulder while moving back and then just... adjusting his position to better let her hold onto his leg without pressing against her flesh, not to block her circulation. At least he was wearing gloves and leather, the coldness of his body wasn't too evident like this.

He could at least tell himself that perhaps the reason she wanted to be with him and not with Halsin was the simple fact that no one would even believe that she had anything with a vampire, who would, but with the druid was complely a different story. Whatever were her reasons, he wanted to support her before their eventual fall.]

You can stay as long as you want. You can talk as long as you want. I will not let anything sneak on you, that much I can promise.

[This was a weakness of his, it was so incredibly evident, yet instead of pushing her away he could only sit there, moving his hand against her neck, resting it there and using his gloved thumb to caress her cheek.]

Anyone who could keep you warm would be better, but as.... friends... I'm here.

[divinestrike]

[Would he have said the same thing if he knew how she felt about him? She wondered. Perhaps not. Maybe in those respects it was better, if not a little selfish of her, to have kept it to herself. Heart-to-heart conversations were not a strong suit for either of them. Words were so difficult, at that. She didn't have the wordsmith tongue that Gale and Halsin had. There was no way she was going to be able to say anything particularly useful or well-put to him.

Not the way she would have liked to. Even Astarion was better with his use of language.

She felt incredibly aware of him, then. Each movement. Each time he touched her or adjusted his blanket. She felt even more aware of herself, the very prominent thump of her heart. And when she thought she could have somewhat ignored it whilst trying to figure out something to say, or if she ought to have left him in silence, much of that thought left her.

His hand found her neck and involuntarily, her pulse quickened. His touch moved again, glove dusting over her cheek and it quickened further. One might have thought that she allowed him to touch her at all said a great deal about herself. And in a way, it did. She wanted to collect herself. To not struggle against the growing... Well.

She would have called it want. And that was a very difficult thing for her to feel. Because she wanted so desperately to respect him.

Either way, she could not help thinking that she enjoyed it. That touch. That she would have enjoyed it even more without his gloves. That she would have let him do so more in those moments. Lifting a hand slowly, she carefully reached up to trace over the back of his glove, just scarcely pressing her fingers between his.

When he made her feel the way he did, she wasn't thinking too much about the cold.]

Perhaps. [She conceded quietly, her own touch against him restless, perhaps betraying the effect he had on her, just barely contained under flimsy composition.] But you're the one I want. [She almost didn't think she said it aloud, and when she played it back, she had a moment's anxiety flutter up along her, before she politely cleared her throat. Offering his hand the gentlest squeeze, she finally shifted onto her back, so she could look up at him from where she was so dearly nestled.]

...Either do that more or not at all. [She continued quietly, guiding his hand back against the turn of her neck.] I shouldn't need to tell you which one I want. I imagine... that you already know.

[Unless he wanted to hear. Unless he needed to hear.]

[pale_elf]

[He would have remarked it even more if he knew, because this kind of conversation was not something he felt ready to face. It was almost scarier than dealing with his own scar and Cazador related issues. While the vampire had a tongue of gold himself when he had to lie, this was not something he could handle smoothly. Stupid feelings, stupid unnecessary things that were quite literally holding him down.

He wanted to believe her increased heartbeat was out of fear, that would have been much easier to handle, but no. Her hand moved up against his glove, sending involuntary shivers down his spine, and then the words came.

A month ago he would have rejoiced in a plan well executed, that was he wanted to begin with, but now he didn't know how to proceed. Turning her down would have been too harsh, she deserved more than that and he didn't want to touch her self esteem, accepting her feelings- it was not an option, it was too dangerous for both of them and it stopped being a possible choice the moment he realized Nepione wasn't just a person he wanted to use as a wall between himself and his former master. He took his time to think about it, mindlessly turning his hand to intertwine his fingers with hers. There was no one listening, unless the druid was somewhat awake, but the man's breaths were too regular to be e deception, so maybe... he could try to be honest? At least in part?]

That... I... you need to search elsewhere. [Oh, great, so much for letting her down gracefully when it wasn't his intention to hurt him.] Anyone who gets seriously involved with me ends in a terrible way. It happened too many times to be a coincidence and you deserve better than that. I really mean it, Nepione, this- no. Just no.

[He couldn't even look at her in the face when she shifted her position, he couldn't... even think of getting closer if she was inviting him to feed, nor to take any movement that would get them closer. This was as open as he could be about his past experience, as delicate as he could be in turning her down and as direct as he managed to be in letting her know it wasn't her nature as a Tiefling or anything she did that made things impossible between them. Hell, he didn't even say he personally didn't want to be with her, because it was so not true.

But it was back to lies and deception as he turned his hand to fully caress her neck for a moment before moving it to her cheek instead.]

I'm not really hungry... maybe another time.

[He didn't want to risk getting even more attached to her than he already was.]

[divinestrike]

[The more surprising notion was the feeling of his fingers weaving carefully between hers. Like some unspoken... she wouldn't have called it agreement. Understanding, perhaps. That a part of him knew already what she thought. How she felt, though she supposed there was not much in the way of what she said that wasn't evident already. Short of simply using special, weighted words like 'love,' she suspected she got her point across.

In listening to him, it was all she did. No protests. No arguments. She wasn't really asking anything of him. Not asking him for anything, either. She'd never much felt that she could. It would have been irresponsible of her. Not just with him, either. It would have been irresponsible regardless of who was on the other end, which was another unspoken reason for why she wasn't inclined to get involved with Halsin.

Lying with Astarion, she could handle. Doing next to nothing. Simply admiring, talking, holding his hands. She could do all of those easily enough. Anything beyond that, she suspected she only ever would have been a disappointment. If not then, certainly later. But she heard him well enough. Understood him well enough. He was worried about her. Genuinely worried. Afraid that he wouldn't have been able to protect her.

She wondered if anyone else had ever cared about her like that before. For some moments, she looked curious. Minutely so, anyway. No judgement. No particular hurt, and she wasn't really hurt. That was the nice thing about not having expectations of him to begin with. He couldn't disappoint her, because she'd never pinned any hopes on him. If anything, she'd only ever been incredibly realistic when it came to who he was.

After a moment's consideration, she simply accepted what he said, not feeling any need to address it more than he already had. Instead, she laughed a little.]

That's not what I was suggesting. [She admitted, wondering how else she could have said it. She had long since established he wasn't going to do any feeding off of her and why should he have? As a tiefling, she couldn't imagine there was anything appealing about her blood. She was probably as wretched as Araj.] I just meant that I kind of liked it when you touched me there.

[Turning back onto her side, she set her focus back on the fire, content enough to turn her thoughts back onto where she suspected they more properly belonged.]

[pale_elf]

[He had no right to feel as content as he was while gently touching her, yet he did. This was something she wanted, this was something he could provide without strings attached of any sorts. His hands moved down, resting on her neck once more, caressing it with care and bringing his thumb up to scratch behind her ear. His mind focused on the fact that she was there, alive, under his lucky blanket and as long as he managed to stay awake, safe. Once they reached Baldur's Gate, he had to put even more distance between them, Cazador couldn't know he cared about another, but for now he just enjoyed the moment.

The man shook his head, glancing around in the shadows of the temple and returning his attention to the fire. He had eventtually to get up and find more wood, but until then he could allow himself to stay. His hand wandered up, gently touching her cheek, pushing her hair to the side and even daring to caress the base of her horn before moving back down to her neck and then daring to slide it under her armor to caress her shoulder. Nothing indecent, nothing that one would associate with the loud mouthed flirt he usually was, just a simple chaste caress as he stared at everything but her.

Even if there was some infatuation, she had all the time to move on.

As long as they survived the Shadow Cursed lands and whatever awaited them in the city. He nervously laughed with her, shaking his head once more. They were all so fucked.]

I can do that, yes, just don't tell Scratch about this. He'll get jealous, he always asks me for cuddles and I am just too cool to concede my hands to everyone. So many begging for my touch, I'd never get anything done if I spent my time petting every soul.

[See? He was doing her a favor, not to himself. No matter if he took more comfort from this than he cared to admit.]

Do you want me to try to talk you to sleep? I do have a few stories to share. Or do you want to talk?

[divinestrike]

Oh, I would never dare compete with Scratch. I know how much you like him. I understand very much that he is your favourite.

[It wasn't what she wanted to say at all. She wanted to reassure him that she would be fine. She wanted to reassure him that she would do anything necessary to help him. That wasn't going to change, regardless of what did or didn't happen between them. He could have made the executive decision that nothing was ever going to happen (which very much seemed like the thing he'd already done) and she would have been fine with that as well.

It had to be enough that he tested her limits the way he was, and it was only all right for him to do so because she had wanted for him to. And if she could let him close enough to her to even get that far, then it did certainly imply that eventually she could let others do the same. As despite whatever existed between her and Astarion, he still couldn't play the role of someone she could emotionally rely on. But if she didn't find that, if she didn't attempt to create and foster something like that, eventually that restraint and discipline of hers would fall to pieces.

When he asked of her, she didn't say anything immediately. Simply took what he was willing to give her.]

I'm not certain what you'd want me to talk about. I told you, I'm not interested in falling asleep. I just want to stay like this until we're ready to leave. I suspect you won't allow me to do this again. If I fall asleep, I won't be able to truly experience it. So I will take each and every moment afforded to me, and I will cherish them. That... may sound selfish of me, and it is, but I have spent so very long being selfless, that I feel I have earned this.