Closed to @divinestrike

[pale_elf]

[Astarion's hunger had been... placated, lately, since he got to completely drain the warden of the tower's prison while helping the prisoners escape. That... that was probably the only good thing he could say about the past few days, no matter how the passing of time was just a vague concept in the Shadow Cursed lands.

He was actually happy when, returning to the camp, Nepione informed him the entire deal with Halsin was over, they fixed what had to be fixed and now they could focus on taking another step forward. He was not so happy when he realized the druid offered to stay and he knew he was going to stick around for a lot longer. And then it only got worse while discussing who to take to the tower. karlach and Lae'Zel weren't an option, stealth was key and they weren't exactly one with the shadows. Speaking of Shadows, the Sharran cleric wanted to 'come' but her interest was to check the entrance of the temple Astarion made the mistake of mentioning at some point so she was going her own way and Wyll... well, Wyll was good in many ways, combat wise, but he hurt himself being all heroic while defending a protal or something... 

In the end, he had to walk in the tower with his cleric.... plus Gale and Halsin on tow. Who didn't need someone who could shapeshift and check the area while flying? Who didn't want a wizard who prepared a book full of utility spells just for this? Astarion. Astarion didn't want them. And while his little hostility game with Gale was just the two of them poking and annoying each other, he couldn't say the same for the Care Bear Nepione seemed to like so much.

The entire trip had been... annoying. He was irritable, no matter what was being done, and he could feel the druid chattering all the time. And of course Halsin had to prove himself invaluable when they met the cat behind the tower and he was the only one who could speak with animals. And of course Halsin was able to fly inside the Oubliette in his shapeshift form instead of having a more difficult time like anyone else. Of course as a bird he was thin enough to fly through bars and help gnomes and Tieflings out. The only joy had been meeting the lady in the kitchen again and getting the gnolls to eat her.

But this only happened with Nepione nowhere in sight. 

And then there was the Araj thing. He didn't even know how to process what happened. The room made him nauseous, that woman's smell was repulsive, yet he was ready to get through another moment of pure disgust just to get the potion Karlach could probably do a wonderful use of. His body, his best tool for a trade, no matter how much he hated the idea of ingesting any of the shit the alchemist had running in her body. Yet Nepione said no. No comments from Gale or Halsin, but the cleric went against the group's best interest just because he was reluctant? Like, what?

He... needed time to process that. It just didn't seem the right moment to stop and think, not when they were already planning to move after a rest to tackle the sharran temple and see what the Nightsong was, no. Mizora also decided to show her nose in the camp, causing everyone discomfort, but at least they managed to figure out a way to free Wyll from her as long as they did what they had to. To think Astarion almost hoped Raphael finally decided to show his face and tell him what he wanted.

After Mizora's little visit, then, Arabella decided to leave Something about the Weave telling her it was the right moment to go, that her path was now open and if she wanted to become her best self she had to follow it. Astarion didn't join the little goodbye party, even if she specifically took time to thank him (and even called him 'Fangies'), but he knew it affected the others. Or, well, at least it affected Nepione.

The woman's maternal instinct had to be strong, her entire demeanor shifted just so slightly and considering she somehow constantly landed within his field of view... the spawn could see her struggles.

It was a matter of survival, that's what he told himself after waking up middle meditation and starting to check between the many things he collected over the last weeks. She was the leader and she didn't need distractions, it was only natural wanting to get her mind off more depressing thoughts than she needed. If it was a kid she wanted, she could make one herself or adopt one when this was all over and everyone was safe to go their own way. The spawn grunted, tossing to the side trinkets of all kinds, gathering a thin string of pearls and two long silver, silky ribbons that totally didn't come from a fancy purse he... borrowed. Ah, perfect, a lovely comb that wasn't too broken- he had everything he needed.

It was when the fire was starting to die down that he left his tent, tossing yet another piece of wood in it, and moved toward the cleric's resting place, saying 'knock knock' while tapping his hand against the fabric that served as door. He was going to invite himself him either way, but he felt like he needed to give her time to prepare herself.]

Comments

[divinestrike]

[Had she ever seen him so animated? She wasn't certain she had, though he had plenty of moments where he had certainly been something like it. When he moved to sit back up, she tried not to disturb him too much with the way she was positioned, still settling her weight into her palm. Her other hand draped in her lap and as he poured out his story, all she could do was really listen as he seemed to get carried away.

Maybe the past had that effect on everyone, though. Well, anyone who was animated. It was nice to see in him. But then, seeing any version of Astarion where he wasn't consumed entirely by his anger, rightfully placed as it was, was refreshing. And nice. Almost heartwarming.

As he motioned above her, she tipped up her chin to watch before returning the soft glow of her eyes to his face and the turn in his expression, melodramatic as it ever was. It moved again when he gestured beneath her, or whatever it was he was doing, as she dipped her head with a subtle smile, perhaps a bit charmed.

An innocent Astarion...? Why was that so difficult to imagine? Maybe because she'd only ever known him as the way he was right in front of her.]

I didn't know you looked so much like your brother. [She admitted. Although she didn't know really anything about his siblings, except that he had them.] Or that you didn't have a mole. Although I guess I've never looked closely and I really only have seen your back, I think. I'll keep all of that in consideration.

[Not that she expected to run into any of his siblings. Or potential mole-checkings, for that matter.]

So what ended up happening with the case and this gnome lady? I assume everything was straightened out.

[pale_elf]

[Well, he didn't know he could still get so animated about things that happened almost two centuries on the past. He had to keep the fact his job lead him to his early dead closed away, but the rest? The rest was either boring or incredibly stupid and he knew which ones he wanted to share. Certainly not the tale of him checking a pile of documents about tax returns. Nor him spending hours mapping a house just to decide how to divide it between heirs.]

Well, I had the pleasure of adding 'contempt to court' to her personal case and then strip all her rights to get money from her ex husband since she lied to the court, tried to defame a magistrate with baseless accusations and...

[A little, mischievous grin as he leaned in Nepione's direction, wriggling his eyebrows.]

I had her kicked out of the courthouse personally. It felt great. I even ended up getting a few nice wine bottles from her husband.

And yes, it was really hard to tell me and my brother apart. But he had this huge heart-like mole right under his nipple- and when this lady tried to use this kind of knowledge as proof, it turned into her ruin instead. Gnomes. Gnomes never change.

[Despite his general distaste for gnomes, he was smiling. And it wasn't just something limited to his mouth, it reached his eyes. Perhaps it was bad that the reason he was happy was reminding how he ruined someone but hey- it was still Astarion.]

What about you? Any... funny story you could share? I mean, I could share so many cases about Baldur's Gate from two hundred years ago but it's mainly people being weird. THe best is people who try to represent themselves without a lawyer.

[divinestrike]

[Straightening her posture a bit, she finally folded her hands back together, which seemed to be her go-to for trying to keep herself from fidgeting. As he leaned in, she moved only a scarce bit from him, though not significantly. Not the way she supposed she would have if they hadn't already been through what they had. Still enough to make her nervous, but... pleasantly so.

She didn't even know that was possible.]

The more you know... Can't say I've ever really known any gnomes.

[They probably weren't all bad, but trying to make a case like that to Astarion wasn't likely to go much of anywhere.

At his question, she looked thoughtful and then she shook her head.]

No, no. Probably not the way you have, anyway. I'm not a magistrate, after all. And I don't have centuries behind me. I'm... still pretty young in comparison. Not... I'm not saying you're old.

[...Well, there went all of her elegance. Or her attempts to be somewhat tasteful and refined. She was doing so good.]

Basically, no. I've a severe shortage of amusing stories to share.

[pale_elf]

[He was a man full of surprises. He was even shocking himself right now with how much he shared, even if a little voice inside him complained that he lacked the skills to make her laugh. But a little voice in the back of his head also suggested him to try again, maybe in future, because it would have been nice to hear her chuckle. Why he cared so much, he didn't know, but it was a nice goal to have in contrast with his more murder-inclined ones.

At least sharing details about his old job didn't initerfere with killing Cazador.]

I guess. But I'd still stay away from them. Unless it's the bacchus guy. He gave us explosives, he has my approval.

[He just didn't like gnomes. Yes, he had been in bed with plenty of them since he turned, yes he served even more when they were guests of his former master, but him? Willingly choose a gnome's side? EH- probably not.

But that comment, that gave him another chance to be absurd. He straightened up in front of her, bringing a man to his chest.]

Of course I'm not old, I'm an ageless beauty! Handsome, charming, I'm unable to reflect on mirrors not because I'm a vampire but because I'm so beautiful even they know they couldn't reflect such magnificence. And... yes, you are young, but most of the funny stories come from our youth usually. Even if I guess you will get to share this little journey of ours when you'll have kids and share tales about your not-so-young life too.

[He preferred to be called old over 'baby' like one of his sisters did.]

A shame, I will survive though.

[divinestrike]

[The ironic thing was that when it seemed he wasn't trying too hard happened to be the moment that she loosed the softest sound of amusement.

"...I'm so beautiful even they know they couldn't reflect such magnificence."

Although the concept of humility was not something she had ever really pictured Astarion with. When she thought humble, she certainly didn't think him. Such laughter was a touch short-lived, as she didn't want for him to think that she was laughing at him. She wasn't, really.

Lifting her shoulders in a shrug, Nepione brought up a hand to gently attempt to scrub away some of the pink that found her features.]

That seems optimistic of you, assuming I'll have children and be sharing stories.

[Considerably more optimistic than how she viewed things. She'd never even thought about children except the ones they saved along the way. Rather, she didn't think of herself having children.]

I guess neither of those things are impossible, though.

[When she realised she was staring at him again, that gentle tilt to her head, watching his posture, the little tell whenever he pressed his hand to his chest.]

Astarion— [She began, uncertain for just a moment before she decided to press forward. One could never know if they didn't make the attempt, right?] —This will likely sound a little strange, but... is it all right if I touch your hair?

[pale_elf]

[Oh, that was pretty. For a moment he found himself just staring, keeping his distance but also savouring the sight and the soound of her laughter. The best way he could put the sensation he felt into words was... a pleasant feelings in his stomach, like he just savoured a nice meal but also warmer? It took him a little while before pushing himself back and offering a small shrug. He had to stay focused on the conversation, anything else could only expose him to- something. As much as he wanted to trust Nepione, as much as he did (despite not admitting it completely to himself), he still couldn't completely lower his guard around anyone.]

Well, your practice round with Arabella went well enough, at least listening to everyone's recounts in the camp.

[That was not something he could even offer help with, not he wanted to get involved with any kid.]

I mean, you'd fare better than me. I barely remembered to help my younger siblings when we were first allowed to hunt for rats on our own. Leave Arabella for a week with me and she'll be the one running straight in the shadow curse because it would be the best option.

Yes, I know, hard to believe I have social areas I am not well versed with but- let's be honest, Cazador didn't like to eat kids.

[Fortunately enough. The idea of luring children to his master's palace- no, he wasn't even going to linger on that line of thought for too long, some of the people he brought in already hurt enough as it was. He focused on her request instead, feeling surprised by that but merely sliding down a bit, turning around and giving her access while leaning his weight against his elbows. The entire Araj thing left him with a stong and growing 'people shouldn't touch me anymore' feeling in his chest, but at the same time he didn't mind that.]

All right. Sounds only fair considering I just finished to offer you a spa day. I'm not even cold cold right now!

[divinestrike]

I... oh. M-maybe.

[Completely different taking care of children along the way than it was to be an actual parent, she imagined. In truth, she didn't know she could ever handle that kind of responsibility. She had been separated from her family for long enough that she had lingering memories of them, but not nearly enough time to know how to be an effective caretaker.

It was easier just not to think about the possibility, admittedly. Although she supposed it was very likely it'd come up and she'd have to have something better to address it with whenever it did.

Listening to him with the same attentiveness she had from the moment he came to pay her visit, her expression grew the slightest touch more sombre. It seemed like the proverbial bar of expectations was somewhat low when it came down to simply not draining children. Cazador was still reprehensible. Unforgivable. The man had no saving graces, in her opinion. Not if what Astarion said held truth and she struggled to find anything false about the allegations he'd shared. He was much too passionate for just such a thing.

What surprised her more, perhaps, was the idea that he didn't outright refuse her. Instead, he adjusted to give her the same treatment in kind. Or... trust, she supposed. It took a great deal of trust to let another touch, than it was to do the touching itself. She took her time, drawing in a deep breath and as she pulled herself nearer, she started with the nape of his neck, mindful of her claws, careful just to press warmth fingertips to skin before she carefully threaded touch into his hair.

It was... about as soft as she expected it to be. It always looked perfect, even when it contained streaks of red or dirt or anything else they managed to get themselves into. She did it with so much care, she was afraid he might have picked up that she was trembling. He wasn't fragile by any means, but for one reason or another, she was almost always certain she'd ruin, break everything she touched, despite being most likely the gentlest person in their camp.]

...Is this all right? [She asked him quietly, understanding that what went unspoken was that in his own way, he wasn't a fan of others in his personal space. It was, perhaps, one of the few things they had in common.] I can stop if it bothers you.

[pale_elf]

Mhm. You'd make a great mother. And imagine how proud your kids will be when they'll say their mom is the maiden of Selune who defeated an immortal general.

[Was he running his mouth because he felt tense? Yes. his back was exposed and the innate vampiric instinct knew that not having proper awareness of where her hands were was dangerous. Stakes could reach his heart even from behind and it went against his own natural inclination to be in a non combat situation and not have full control of what could hurt him. With Cazador's guests things came natural, they knew he was someone else's property and that he could only be damaged, nor killed. With lovers he made sure to keep their hands on himself at all times, or to keep them where he could see them. This was... an unsual and new territory that required more trust than he thought he had.

The tension faded just slightly when she placed both hands against his skin, that allowing him to trace her movements, but built up again quickly when he felt... that?

He didn't know how to feel about her touch. There was no fear of the claws, but her touch petrified him. It was no dangerous attack, nor a sensual touch, it was no necessary shove in combat nor something studied to hurt him. At least he didn't think so? There was no way she was going to harm him, right? His brain was telling him one thing, his body was urging him to run, his heart was telling him to stand still and just take... it. Whatever it was.

He decided to listen to the latter.

The vampire wasn't breathing, not even to pretend to be alive, and he didn't know exactly at which point he shut his eyes close but his entire body was fighting between the urge to flee and the desire to stay when she spoke again. This was too unfamiliar and scary, he had to tell her to stop, he had to be the one in control of who was touching him, when and where- yet the most difficult part was to admit he enjoyed this.]

No, I don't mind.I mean, it's hair.

[divinestrike]

Yes, well.

[She uttered a quiet laugh, a soft little huff that she killed with relative swiftness. Evidently discussing future children was not quite something she felt readily prepared for. She could think about it later. When she survived. If she survived, and she wasn't even certain that was going to happen.

Instead, it was more interesting to focus on him. It was always more interesting to focus on him. To explore something that felt very... foreign. Of course it wasn't the first time she'd touched anyone's hair. It wasn't the first time she was close to anyone either. And it definitely wasn't the first time she felt so nervous to even make a request like that. But there was something nice about it. Maybe it was just nice that she felt like she could be near someone.

How long had she spent trying to keep others away from her, after all? Sometimes, it felt like forever, though it was transparently no such thing.]

That doesn't mean anything. [She reassured him. As if she meant to test him, she leaned against him lightly, thinking back to their time in Candlekeep. It wouldn't have been the most horrible thing to be held by him. At the time, he'd done so to protect her, and it was something she considered often. He easily could have let her go. And she had never... Well.]

Astarion. [She hesitated, as she was wont to do and with all of the care she could manage, extremely conscious of the curve of her horns, she settled her chin against his shoulder, careful not to dislodge him or otherwise make him uncomfortable. Lowering her hands from his hair, she drew the same touch down the turn of his neck, and lightly splayed her fingertips against his back.] Do you remember back then? In those ruins. [Of course he did.]

I didn't thank you. I wanted to, but I didn't have enough time. If it hadn't been for you, I would have been pretty hurt. I might not have been able to take care of myself. I've thought about that a lot. That I wouldn't be here now if it weren't for you. You... probably don't care, but it meant a lot to me. I just wanted you to know that I'm grateful.

[That she didn't like that he was hurt on her account. That she was afraid of him doing so again. Because she didn't want anything to happen to him.]

[pale_elf]

[Astarion was a man of many facets, often in conflict with each others while he tried to rediscovered what it meant for him to be himself- but he never felt so split in two like in the present moment. His entire body was ready to bolt away, yet he was forcing himself to stay, his body was enjoying this... weird cuddling, but also feeling absolutely petrified by it.

Was she even talking? He could hardly hear her words, but Astarion was fully aware of her body's movements when she leaned slightly against him. It was a blessing she couldn't see his face, not even as a reflection in the mirror nearby, because it was certainly something: his eyes were wide open, fixed against the wall like the tent could jump on him at any given second, his mouth a thin line and his jaw clenched.

It was a fight against his own body to actually move just slightly back and return the gesture, leaning a bit more as well even if the elbows kept him relatively still and perhaps gave him a sense of security. He enjoyed sexual contact, occasionally, he hated any other kind of touch because it often was tied to physical harm and he didn't know how to process any of this... cuddling? He only cuddled after sex, but that was with purpose, it was to lure people closer and it was never something he enjoyed too much. What even was the meaning of this?]

Mh?

[She did say his name, that much he could gather, but what came after? For one so focused on his surroundings most of the time, the only thing he could process was some words, Candlekeep and thank you in the mix. Right, they went together to Candlekeep. That had been such a disaster, hells perhaps he was even supposed to apologize instead of taking the thank you, but no- he just lowered his shoulders a bit and offered a tiny bit more of his head.]

That's... not a big deal, really. We... got stuff, right?

[Oh, how eloquent of him.]

[divinestrike]

[She shook her head slowly. It was a much bigger deal than he surely thought it was. It wasn't as if they hadn't normally gotten into scuffles. There were, after all, goblins, things out in the Shadow-Curse, red caps, and any other number of things that stood as opposition to them. But many of those other things they had faced as a group. She knew she owed gratitude to everyone in camp. Not just Astarion. But Candlekeep had been something special.

It wasn't just that he'd protected her and shielded her with himself. It was that he continued to shelter her. It was that he took into account what she was and what her weaknesses were. It was that he made up for them and he did so very decisively. It was that he went looking for her family. It was so many things. Even if he frustrated her, at times upset her, mocked her, and had the potential to use her feelings against her, there was no denying that he'd found a part of her that she tried so carefully to keep hidden and protected.]

It isn't about getting things. It was never about that to begin with.

[One couldn't buy her feelings with things. She knew that, even if he didn't. And she didn't want anything out of him for it. As carefully as she could manage, she tested his boundaries, curling slender arms about him in a loose embrace and she held him against the consistent thump of her heart. Burying the tip of her nose into his hair, she took the moments she needed to gather herself. She could give pep talks and encouraging remarks, but somehow the present moment seemed so much more difficult.]

Things don't matter. But people do. You matter.

[pale_elf]

[But it was, it had to be, after all everyone enjoyed finding treasures and that was the main reason people with him anyway. Candlekeep had shiny things he planted, it had old books, old knowledge and like every other thing there was a reason to visit it- he needed life insurance, she needed more resources to protect the others. Everything made sense as long as he kept it under this prospective- now he was relatively 'safe', she had no intention of turning him in, he was being useful in other ways so... What?

Nothing was making sense, not while he was letting his more emotional side take over his more rational approach. Part of him was trying to catch up on the flags he set down for his own safety, the other had to recognize this was completely new and uncharted territory. Affection was not something given for free, not to him, but he couldn't figure out what she could benefit from this.

It was nice, though.]

Things... always matter.

[Everything was transactional and whoever didn't believe so was a naive person who deserved what fate was going to toss their way. But her arms came before he had time to elaborate any further thought, his whole body tensing but not pushing away. That was an embrace, but why? Was she missing the kid so much already that after their talk of mothership she had to fill the void like this? Her words also filled him of something he couldn't put into words, almost a desire to cry if he still had tears, but he wasn't sad? It was like his ability to read people and feelings had been suddnely sucked out of him, leaving Astarion compeltely unable to see himself in the slightest.

It took him a moment before being able to move, but instead of pushing away as he should have done, the man merely leaned down against her, moving one hand on Nepione's arm.]

What... are you doing?

[His words were half chocked, betraying his current insecurity.]

[divinestrike]

["Things... always matter."

Did they? Sometimes, certainly. They'd had several points where they had to have certain things held for others. Exchanges of information, of trinkets, and whatever else. But there were plenty of moments where things like that didn't matter. When she thought about how she sat down at the campfire some nights, it had never been items she'd been thinking about. It'd been the others. Those who made the present a possibility.

People weren't things. They were more than that.

She wondered how else she could possibly explain that, though his question in tandem with that very careful touch upon her arm seemed to remind her of precisely what she was doing. It wasn't hard to feel his tension. The flex of muscle beneath even the loose way she held him. She didn't call it fear, because she wasn't certain that was what it was. Entirely likely that she'd simply caught him unawares.

Who could have blamed him? She would have reacted much the same way, though she suspected she would have melted shortly after. Much the way she often felt she had when he left his voice against the shell of her ear. She wondered, if by him asking, if that was his way of telling her he'd had enough. That she'd pushed him as far as he was willing to go. But to draw away also could have given him the impression that she was fickle. Afraid of him. Or incapable of committing to her own feelings.

...Which was the right thing to do?]

It's just a hug. [Nepione explained quietly, a hand, for just a moment, with fingers splayed against his chest, tightened. If she could hug him, then he could touch her. It just wouldn't have been fair otherwise. She could not do to him what she was unwilling to accept herself.] You can feel it, right? The beat of my heart. The warmth of my skin. Those things might not be if it weren't for you. I don't know how else to express myself. I just want you to feel that I'm grateful for you. That I appreciate everything you've done. That... you're important to me.

[To say the least.]

[pale_elf]

But why?

[Attraction made sense, but she made it clear her interest toward him was 'like toward anyone else in the group' so that was not a reason. Anything else made... there was no point in offering him affection when he was already working for the cause, when she knew his insterest in sticking with the group was larger than his need for independence because out there far too many things still threatened him. Everything was done for a specific reason, everything came with a price, and this was not part of her standard 'Do Goodies' attitude, this didn't help anyone and-

Oh.

Oh, yes, he could hear and feel her heartbeat, her warmth, the smell of her vessels transporting blood through her body and, more damning of it all, her actual smell as a person, something that made her unique. One thing was keeping it all at one generous arm's lenght, only deciding to step in whenever he was ready and he was the one taking the step closer, the other was being engulfed by it and feeling her fingers pressed against his chest, his most vulnerable spot. He should have been terrified, but his entire body was starting to desire he abandoned himself between her arms.

It was the thought that followed that realization that sent him into pure panic.

It's like back then, when I was with Sebastian. The heaviness of that sentence in his mind, the sudden realization of what that meant, it all caught him by surprise and made him realize he messed things up so deeply perhaps staying with the camp group was a terrible idea. He had feelings. Again. Like some kind of young elf who still had to learn how the world worked and while he needed time to process it, to fully understand if it was just a little crush due to the fact she had been the first person kind to him in decades or something more (please don't be anything more)- it was just too much. She was alive, he was not, that was already enough for him to know focusing on any of that was the worst possible idea.]

Well, darling, you're important for me too. But-

[Fuck. His voice was cracking, where was all his usual confidence? He ended up raising one hand up, to gently pat her cheek, before moving once more and pushing himself up to sit on his own. He wanted to stay but it wasn't wise to indulge in the positive sensations. The man still offered her his back, the skin feeling unnaturally cold now that she was no longer resting against it, and his attempts to steady his voice were far from successful.]

-I think you would have managed on your own. Not that I put down my invaluable contribution to our journey, but you know what I mean.

[divinestrike]

[Why.

It was a word that kept coming up. Like it was some kind of reminder that she needed to have a reason for each and every little thing she did. Not that she didn't have that. Most of the time she did as she did because she thought it was the right thing to do.

Holding Astarion wasn't really like that. She had multiple reasons for it. She wanted to. She thought it might benefit him. It was as close a she could come to admitting that her feelings for him had a lot to do with it. She'd also thought that such a thing would benefit her.

None of those reasonings left her, however. The nature of his voice in tandem with the way he shifted told her that he'd had enough. So she immediately conceded, the smallest little flutter and tingle left. She could still feel the weight of his touch upon her arm. Atop her cheek.

If he'd been cold (and he was), then she'd certainly not noticed in those moments. Politely clearing her throat and trying to turn her attention mostly aside, using an unspoken excuse that she could tidy her immediate area without lingering too near him or addressing what had just happened for either of them.]

I'm not so sure. [She replied at first.] No sense in questioning it too much. Everything to this moment has been a group effort. It's heartening to see. Although, I guess it's also important that I remember to be self-sufficient still. I wouldn't want any of you to suddenly view me as a liability.

[No more than they already did, anyway.]

[pale_elf]

[This makes no sense, his own feelings make no sense. When and why did he start to shift from his opportunistic goals to... whatever this was? He felt sick, the more he thought about it the more he remembered the only two times he had any vaguely similar feeling. Both times it ended in a most horrible way. The sweet boy whose name he couldn't remember? Giving him a chance to escape led to his long imprisonment in a coffin and Astarion didn't even know if the other escaped Cazador. Sebastian? He didn't even want to remember those days, he managed to repress them enough until now. The expression of horror and betrayal on the man's face, the sreams of terror, they had been locked away and he needed to hide them again.

Gods, anything he loved just ended in tragedy. She was going to be the same unless he took some distance from her.

He was glad his body couldn't feel things like actual nausea, even if he was a master at mimicking certain reactions. He felt ill, scared, confused and the spawn knew he had to put an end to this, whatever it was, immediately. One thing was making people fell for him, that was part of the show, the other was having feelings himself.]

This-

[The spawn gathered all the courage he could, put the fakest smile on his face and turned around. He had to mmve forward and put distance between them, even if his plan worked and she felt anything about him- mortals moved on pretty easily from other people, he knew how quickly those who knew him stopped visiting his tomb after all. Or easily some of his lovers turned their back to him or even tried to end his life.

He needed... he needed Halsin. Fuck, now it was clear why the very existence of the druid made him mad, but he suddenly shifted from major irritation to asset to fix... this. It took all his self control as he turned around and got on his feet, he just needed to hold back anything until he was safe and especially alone in his tent]

This was a lovely exchange for sure, my dear. Worry not, I won't consider you a liability. That being said, I think you need to rest now. Tomorrow we need to start moving toward the Sharran temple, another... wonderful moment of bonding and love between us all.

And you will look absolutely fashionable while God-blasting our enemies. I... good night.

[He wasn't going to allow himself to focus on those feelings, things had to move on and so did he. The only thing he allowed himself to enjoy was a brief stop at her side, bending his back in the attempt to place a kiss on the top of her head if allowed, and then beelined outside. He... probably got this.]