Closed to @divinestrike
Dec. 18th, 2022 08:39 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
pale_elf[Astarion's hunger had been... placated, lately, since he got to completely drain the warden of the tower's prison while helping the prisoners escape. That... that was probably the only good thing he could say about the past few days, no matter how the passing of time was just a vague concept in the Shadow Cursed lands.
He was actually happy when, returning to the camp, Nepione informed him the entire deal with Halsin was over, they fixed what had to be fixed and now they could focus on taking another step forward. He was not so happy when he realized the druid offered to stay and he knew he was going to stick around for a lot longer. And then it only got worse while discussing who to take to the tower. karlach and Lae'Zel weren't an option, stealth was key and they weren't exactly one with the shadows. Speaking of Shadows, the Sharran cleric wanted to 'come' but her interest was to check the entrance of the temple Astarion made the mistake of mentioning at some point so she was going her own way and Wyll... well, Wyll was good in many ways, combat wise, but he hurt himself being all heroic while defending a protal or something...
In the end, he had to walk in the tower with his cleric.... plus Gale and Halsin on tow. Who didn't need someone who could shapeshift and check the area while flying? Who didn't want a wizard who prepared a book full of utility spells just for this? Astarion. Astarion didn't want them. And while his little hostility game with Gale was just the two of them poking and annoying each other, he couldn't say the same for the Care Bear Nepione seemed to like so much.
The entire trip had been... annoying. He was irritable, no matter what was being done, and he could feel the druid chattering all the time. And of course Halsin had to prove himself invaluable when they met the cat behind the tower and he was the only one who could speak with animals. And of course Halsin was able to fly inside the Oubliette in his shapeshift form instead of having a more difficult time like anyone else. Of course as a bird he was thin enough to fly through bars and help gnomes and Tieflings out. The only joy had been meeting the lady in the kitchen again and getting the gnolls to eat her.
But this only happened with Nepione nowhere in sight.
And then there was the Araj thing. He didn't even know how to process what happened. The room made him nauseous, that woman's smell was repulsive, yet he was ready to get through another moment of pure disgust just to get the potion Karlach could probably do a wonderful use of. His body, his best tool for a trade, no matter how much he hated the idea of ingesting any of the shit the alchemist had running in her body. Yet Nepione said no. No comments from Gale or Halsin, but the cleric went against the group's best interest just because he was reluctant? Like, what?
He... needed time to process that. It just didn't seem the right moment to stop and think, not when they were already planning to move after a rest to tackle the sharran temple and see what the Nightsong was, no. Mizora also decided to show her nose in the camp, causing everyone discomfort, but at least they managed to figure out a way to free Wyll from her as long as they did what they had to. To think Astarion almost hoped Raphael finally decided to show his face and tell him what he wanted.
After Mizora's little visit, then, Arabella decided to leave Something about the Weave telling her it was the right moment to go, that her path was now open and if she wanted to become her best self she had to follow it. Astarion didn't join the little goodbye party, even if she specifically took time to thank him (and even called him 'Fangies'), but he knew it affected the others. Or, well, at least it affected Nepione.
The woman's maternal instinct had to be strong, her entire demeanor shifted just so slightly and considering she somehow constantly landed within his field of view... the spawn could see her struggles.
It was a matter of survival, that's what he told himself after waking up middle meditation and starting to check between the many things he collected over the last weeks. She was the leader and she didn't need distractions, it was only natural wanting to get her mind off more depressing thoughts than she needed. If it was a kid she wanted, she could make one herself or adopt one when this was all over and everyone was safe to go their own way. The spawn grunted, tossing to the side trinkets of all kinds, gathering a thin string of pearls and two long silver, silky ribbons that totally didn't come from a fancy purse he... borrowed. Ah, perfect, a lovely comb that wasn't too broken- he had everything he needed.
It was when the fire was starting to die down that he left his tent, tossing yet another piece of wood in it, and moved toward the cleric's resting place, saying 'knock knock' while tapping his hand against the fabric that served as door. He was going to invite himself him either way, but he felt like he needed to give her time to prepare herself.]
He was actually happy when, returning to the camp, Nepione informed him the entire deal with Halsin was over, they fixed what had to be fixed and now they could focus on taking another step forward. He was not so happy when he realized the druid offered to stay and he knew he was going to stick around for a lot longer. And then it only got worse while discussing who to take to the tower. karlach and Lae'Zel weren't an option, stealth was key and they weren't exactly one with the shadows. Speaking of Shadows, the Sharran cleric wanted to 'come' but her interest was to check the entrance of the temple Astarion made the mistake of mentioning at some point so she was going her own way and Wyll... well, Wyll was good in many ways, combat wise, but he hurt himself being all heroic while defending a protal or something...
In the end, he had to walk in the tower with his cleric.... plus Gale and Halsin on tow. Who didn't need someone who could shapeshift and check the area while flying? Who didn't want a wizard who prepared a book full of utility spells just for this? Astarion. Astarion didn't want them. And while his little hostility game with Gale was just the two of them poking and annoying each other, he couldn't say the same for the Care Bear Nepione seemed to like so much.
The entire trip had been... annoying. He was irritable, no matter what was being done, and he could feel the druid chattering all the time. And of course Halsin had to prove himself invaluable when they met the cat behind the tower and he was the only one who could speak with animals. And of course Halsin was able to fly inside the Oubliette in his shapeshift form instead of having a more difficult time like anyone else. Of course as a bird he was thin enough to fly through bars and help gnomes and Tieflings out. The only joy had been meeting the lady in the kitchen again and getting the gnolls to eat her.
But this only happened with Nepione nowhere in sight.
And then there was the Araj thing. He didn't even know how to process what happened. The room made him nauseous, that woman's smell was repulsive, yet he was ready to get through another moment of pure disgust just to get the potion Karlach could probably do a wonderful use of. His body, his best tool for a trade, no matter how much he hated the idea of ingesting any of the shit the alchemist had running in her body. Yet Nepione said no. No comments from Gale or Halsin, but the cleric went against the group's best interest just because he was reluctant? Like, what?
He... needed time to process that. It just didn't seem the right moment to stop and think, not when they were already planning to move after a rest to tackle the sharran temple and see what the Nightsong was, no. Mizora also decided to show her nose in the camp, causing everyone discomfort, but at least they managed to figure out a way to free Wyll from her as long as they did what they had to. To think Astarion almost hoped Raphael finally decided to show his face and tell him what he wanted.
After Mizora's little visit, then, Arabella decided to leave Something about the Weave telling her it was the right moment to go, that her path was now open and if she wanted to become her best self she had to follow it. Astarion didn't join the little goodbye party, even if she specifically took time to thank him (and even called him 'Fangies'), but he knew it affected the others. Or, well, at least it affected Nepione.
The woman's maternal instinct had to be strong, her entire demeanor shifted just so slightly and considering she somehow constantly landed within his field of view... the spawn could see her struggles.
It was a matter of survival, that's what he told himself after waking up middle meditation and starting to check between the many things he collected over the last weeks. She was the leader and she didn't need distractions, it was only natural wanting to get her mind off more depressing thoughts than she needed. If it was a kid she wanted, she could make one herself or adopt one when this was all over and everyone was safe to go their own way. The spawn grunted, tossing to the side trinkets of all kinds, gathering a thin string of pearls and two long silver, silky ribbons that totally didn't come from a fancy purse he... borrowed. Ah, perfect, a lovely comb that wasn't too broken- he had everything he needed.
It was when the fire was starting to die down that he left his tent, tossing yet another piece of wood in it, and moved toward the cleric's resting place, saying 'knock knock' while tapping his hand against the fabric that served as door. He was going to invite himself him either way, but he felt like he needed to give her time to prepare herself.]
no subject
Date: 2023-12-20 05:19 pm (UTC)Was she even talking? He could hardly hear her words, but Astarion was fully aware of her body's movements when she leaned slightly against him. It was a blessing she couldn't see his face, not even as a reflection in the mirror nearby, because it was certainly something: his eyes were wide open, fixed against the wall like the tent could jump on him at any given second, his mouth a thin line and his jaw clenched.
It was a fight against his own body to actually move just slightly back and return the gesture, leaning a bit more as well even if the elbows kept him relatively still and perhaps gave him a sense of security. He enjoyed sexual contact, occasionally, he hated any other kind of touch because it often was tied to physical harm and he didn't know how to process any of this... cuddling? He only cuddled after sex, but that was with purpose, it was to lure people closer and it was never something he enjoyed too much. What even was the meaning of this?]
Mh?
[She did say his name, that much he could gather, but what came after? For one so focused on his surroundings most of the time, the only thing he could process was some words, Candlekeep and thank you in the mix. Right, they went together to Candlekeep. That had been such a disaster, hells perhaps he was even supposed to apologize instead of taking the thank you, but no- he just lowered his shoulders a bit and offered a tiny bit more of his head.]
That's... not a big deal, really. We... got stuff, right?
[Oh, how eloquent of him.]
no subject
Date: 2023-12-20 05:36 pm (UTC)It wasn't just that he'd protected her and shielded her with himself. It was that he continued to shelter her. It was that he took into account what she was and what her weaknesses were. It was that he made up for them and he did so very decisively. It was that he went looking for her family. It was so many things. Even if he frustrated her, at times upset her, mocked her, and had the potential to use her feelings against her, there was no denying that he'd found a part of her that she tried so carefully to keep hidden and protected.]
It isn't about getting things. It was never about that to begin with.
[One couldn't buy her feelings with things. She knew that, even if he didn't. And she didn't want anything out of him for it. As carefully as she could manage, she tested his boundaries, curling slender arms about him in a loose embrace and she held him against the consistent thump of her heart. Burying the tip of her nose into his hair, she took the moments she needed to gather herself. She could give pep talks and encouraging remarks, but somehow the present moment seemed so much more difficult.]
Things don't matter. But people do. You matter.
no subject
Date: 2023-12-20 06:21 pm (UTC)Nothing was making sense, not while he was letting his more emotional side take over his more rational approach. Part of him was trying to catch up on the flags he set down for his own safety, the other had to recognize this was completely new and uncharted territory. Affection was not something given for free, not to him, but he couldn't figure out what she could benefit from this.
It was nice, though.]
Things... always matter.
[Everything was transactional and whoever didn't believe so was a naive person who deserved what fate was going to toss their way. But her arms came before he had time to elaborate any further thought, his whole body tensing but not pushing away. That was an embrace, but why? Was she missing the kid so much already that after their talk of mothership she had to fill the void like this? Her words also filled him of something he couldn't put into words, almost a desire to cry if he still had tears, but he wasn't sad? It was like his ability to read people and feelings had been suddnely sucked out of him, leaving Astarion compeltely unable to see himself in the slightest.
It took him a moment before being able to move, but instead of pushing away as he should have done, the man merely leaned down against her, moving one hand on Nepione's arm.]
What... are you doing?
[His words were half chocked, betraying his current insecurity.]
no subject
Date: 2023-12-20 06:37 pm (UTC)Did they? Sometimes, certainly. They'd had several points where they had to have certain things held for others. Exchanges of information, of trinkets, and whatever else. But there were plenty of moments where things like that didn't matter. When she thought about how she sat down at the campfire some nights, it had never been items she'd been thinking about. It'd been the others. Those who made the present a possibility.
People weren't things. They were more than that.
She wondered how else she could possibly explain that, though his question in tandem with that very careful touch upon her arm seemed to remind her of precisely what she was doing. It wasn't hard to feel his tension. The flex of muscle beneath even the loose way she held him. She didn't call it fear, because she wasn't certain that was what it was. Entirely likely that she'd simply caught him unawares.
Who could have blamed him? She would have reacted much the same way, though she suspected she would have melted shortly after. Much the way she often felt she had when he left his voice against the shell of her ear. She wondered, if by him asking, if that was his way of telling her he'd had enough. That she'd pushed him as far as he was willing to go. But to draw away also could have given him the impression that she was fickle. Afraid of him. Or incapable of committing to her own feelings.
...Which was the right thing to do?]
It's just a hug. [Nepione explained quietly, a hand, for just a moment, with fingers splayed against his chest, tightened. If she could hug him, then he could touch her. It just wouldn't have been fair otherwise. She could not do to him what she was unwilling to accept herself.] You can feel it, right? The beat of my heart. The warmth of my skin. Those things might not be if it weren't for you. I don't know how else to express myself. I just want you to feel that I'm grateful for you. That I appreciate everything you've done. That... you're important to me.
[To say the least.]
no subject
Date: 2023-12-21 06:31 am (UTC)[Attraction made sense, but she made it clear her interest toward him was 'like toward anyone else in the group' so that was not a reason. Anything else made... there was no point in offering him affection when he was already working for the cause, when she knew his insterest in sticking with the group was larger than his need for independence because out there far too many things still threatened him. Everything was done for a specific reason, everything came with a price, and this was not part of her standard 'Do Goodies' attitude, this didn't help anyone and-
Oh.
Oh, yes, he could hear and feel her heartbeat, her warmth, the smell of her vessels transporting blood through her body and, more damning of it all, her actual smell as a person, something that made her unique. One thing was keeping it all at one generous arm's lenght, only deciding to step in whenever he was ready and he was the one taking the step closer, the other was being engulfed by it and feeling her fingers pressed against his chest, his most vulnerable spot. He should have been terrified, but his entire body was starting to desire he abandoned himself between her arms.
It was the thought that followed that realization that sent him into pure panic.
It's like back then, when I was with Sebastian. The heaviness of that sentence in his mind, the sudden realization of what that meant, it all caught him by surprise and made him realize he messed things up so deeply perhaps staying with the camp group was a terrible idea. He had feelings. Again. Like some kind of young elf who still had to learn how the world worked and while he needed time to process it, to fully understand if it was just a little crush due to the fact she had been the first person kind to him in decades or something more (please don't be anything more)- it was just too much. She was alive, he was not, that was already enough for him to know focusing on any of that was the worst possible idea.]
Well, darling, you're important for me too. But-
[Fuck. His voice was cracking, where was all his usual confidence? He ended up raising one hand up, to gently pat her cheek, before moving once more and pushing himself up to sit on his own. He wanted to stay but it wasn't wise to indulge in the positive sensations. The man still offered her his back, the skin feeling unnaturally cold now that she was no longer resting against it, and his attempts to steady his voice were far from successful.]
-I think you would have managed on your own. Not that I put down my invaluable contribution to our journey, but you know what I mean.
no subject
Date: 2023-12-21 10:43 am (UTC)It was a word that kept coming up. Like it was some kind of reminder that she needed to have a reason for each and every little thing she did. Not that she didn't have that. Most of the time she did as she did because she thought it was the right thing to do.
Holding Astarion wasn't really like that. She had multiple reasons for it. She wanted to. She thought it might benefit him. It was as close a she could come to admitting that her feelings for him had a lot to do with it. She'd also thought that such a thing would benefit her.
None of those reasonings left her, however. The nature of his voice in tandem with the way he shifted told her that he'd had enough. So she immediately conceded, the smallest little flutter and tingle left. She could still feel the weight of his touch upon her arm. Atop her cheek.
If he'd been cold (and he was), then she'd certainly not noticed in those moments. Politely clearing her throat and trying to turn her attention mostly aside, using an unspoken excuse that she could tidy her immediate area without lingering too near him or addressing what had just happened for either of them.]
I'm not so sure. [She replied at first.] No sense in questioning it too much. Everything to this moment has been a group effort. It's heartening to see. Although, I guess it's also important that I remember to be self-sufficient still. I wouldn't want any of you to suddenly view me as a liability.
[No more than they already did, anyway.]
no subject
Date: 2023-12-21 01:41 pm (UTC)Gods, anything he loved just ended in tragedy. She was going to be the same unless he took some distance from her.
He was glad his body couldn't feel things like actual nausea, even if he was a master at mimicking certain reactions. He felt ill, scared, confused and the spawn knew he had to put an end to this, whatever it was, immediately. One thing was making people fell for him, that was part of the show, the other was having feelings himself.]
This-
[The spawn gathered all the courage he could, put the fakest smile on his face and turned around. He had to mmve forward and put distance between them, even if his plan worked and she felt anything about him- mortals moved on pretty easily from other people, he knew how quickly those who knew him stopped visiting his tomb after all. Or easily some of his lovers turned their back to him or even tried to end his life.
He needed... he needed Halsin. Fuck, now it was clear why the very existence of the druid made him mad, but he suddenly shifted from major irritation to asset to fix... this. It took all his self control as he turned around and got on his feet, he just needed to hold back anything until he was safe and especially alone in his tent]
This was a lovely exchange for sure, my dear. Worry not, I won't consider you a liability. That being said, I think you need to rest now. Tomorrow we need to start moving toward the Sharran temple, another... wonderful moment of bonding and love between us all.
And you will look absolutely fashionable while God-blasting our enemies. I... good night.
[He wasn't going to allow himself to focus on those feelings, things had to move on and so did he. The only thing he allowed himself to enjoy was a brief stop at her side, bending his back in the attempt to place a kiss on the top of her head if allowed, and then beelined outside. He... probably got this.]