Closed to @divinestrike

[pale_elf]

[ Astarion was spending an awful lot of time... away from camp. If the group was resting, either he meditated, exchanged short snarky sentences with some companions or 'scouted'. Most of the time he was scouting. There was just a lingering sense of irritation that kept growing since things started to shift away from the priority, Moonrise Tower, to... whatever Halsin wanted to do. Of course Nepione wanted to help Bear Daddy, so everyone else in the team was involved in that stupid quest to fix a curse that had been there for a century. As if waiting a few more weeks would have been such a bad thing, it wasn't like the entire area was going to recover quickly anyway.

But nooooo, everyone had to play nice and try to find a way to wake up this Cullagh person from the inn to hear more about his Thaniel and- everything was just getting out of control! Not that the vampire wanted to move toward Baldur's Gate, not without knowing from Raphael what the hell his scars meant, but- there was a form of relentlessness in him that he could barely explain.

So? He wandered. With the pixie's blessing he could go everywhere he wanted. Yes, sometimes he had to rush away running because shades were attacking him, once he had to run straight from the city to the inn in a single go to avoid being mauled, but having something to keep him focused helped tremendously with his anxiety. He explored, mapped things and interesting buildings that could probably need a... friendly check in later and opened every chest he could find. His main attention was the fallen city, at least for now, and even if he avoided the main buildings -too much movements inside the house of healing or the tavern and when he tried to peek inside the tollhouse it was full of floating skulls and he decided not to go on his own- there was so much else to see.

A shame he had not been allowed to visit when he was a rich's merchant's guest with Cazador, it would have been useful knowing more of the landscape than what the tavern was like and the fact one of the now fallen buildings once used to be a brothel he was forced to work into for a while. At least he got his hands on a strange little ring that emitted a gentle glow (he took note it tended to glow brighter near the healing house) and a selunite ancient robe he totally didn't steal from a grave. His bag was filled with little trinkets, blankets, bits of jewels and alchemic ingredients, but what he was focusing on the most was the large amount of journals that detailed the tragedies of that place. He laughed at them, read the pathetic poetry of the two skeletons on the top of one of the buildings, burnt books and journals that didn't mean much in the great scheme of thins and collected what could be useful.

If was one of them that made him stop on his tracks and squint just slightly. From a quick skim it was merely the traveling journal, but the fact it was better preserved than many things around it told him it had been either dropped in the corner of the street recently, maybe by people carrying too many things to notice the loss, and a name on it made him go 'oh'. Yes, names weren't completely unique, there were probably countless other Astarions between the elves, but that wasn't the point: that was a companion's name and mentions of blue skin and other details while describing a kid just-]

Well then...

[Against his better judgement, the rogue slipped it in his bag and, even if he wasn't done exploring, found his way back to camp. Karlach was the first one to greet him and he ungracefully tossed in her direction a strength potion he found while searching. To Shadowheart went a couple of trinkets who needed identification, to Wyll a new rapier and Lae'Zel a sharpening stone. He got a present for almost everyone, Gale could just pray Mystra for all he cares and Halsin- oh, of course Halsin and the cleric were talking. Gods, they probably spent their entire time discussing phylosophy, nature or whatever the hells they found so interesting. The vampire rolled his eyes, approaching, and brough his hands behind his back before bending forward and basically putting his torso between them.]

I hope I'm not interrupting anything buuut I may use our little blue girl's attention for a moment. FIrst. I got you something.

[He sounded absolutely delighted as he unpacked and opened the silver robe in front of her. How it survived without any damage for almost a century while buried underground was a mystery, but he wasn't going to complain.]

Isn't this lovely? No magic, no, but you and Isolde can be twins now! Just two girl friends looking up at the moon and wearing the same identical boring robe! I know, I'm far too kind.  But don't worry, you can pay me back almost immediately! There's something I must ask you- [Eyes went in Halsin's direction, who seemed extremely amused by the vampire for some reasons] Privately.

[No bears invited. No one else but the cleric. Honestly, he was doing her a SECOND favor because not only he stopped reading the journal as soon as he realized it could have been important for her, no, but he even avoided to make a big scene about it in front of everyone and going 'look at this! I found something that may be yours!". Nepione was as secretive as he liked to be himself and he was.... planning to win some points by keeping it in mind.]

No offense, musk man, but this is a thing that we night people must talk about on our own.

Comments

[divinestrike]

I told you—

[She pointedly stopped herself before she could say anything further, because she feared what tried to leave her was so pointed, so sharp, that it would have seemed very unlike her. Very unlike the version of herself that she shared with others. Not to say that who they saw was imitation of the truth. In was, in a way, her at her best. But rarely were people one thing and one alone. Everyone was multifaceted and Nepione, despite her care for others, sometimes that stupid optimism, she was so much more than all of those things.

The way he said her name lingered between her ears. A part of her wanting to be stirred by it, but another feeling only an intense desire to completely withdraw into herself. That he was getting too close, and that the thought of that threatened to petrify her with fear. She could handle the Cult of the Absolute. She couldn't handle putting that leadership role of hers down to let someone, anyone else focus on her.]

Scout as you will. As you see fit. No one is better equipped than you to do so. All you need to do is tell me your observations. [Which was very much her way of implying he needed to stay out of her affairs.] It's true that we'll need to be properly prepared to know what we'll be facing when we go. I'm not terribly choked up about you doing it, but if anyone was going to do so subtly, it would realistically be you.

[Taking a moment to loose a breath she'd been holding onto, she found herself momentarily nipping into her lower lip, trying to keep her expression somewhat even as she found herself eyeing the top of his tent for no reason at all other than to focus on something that wasn't him.]

Was there anything else, or is that it?

[pale_elf]

You told me, yes, but by now you should know I barely listen when people tell me what to do or not.

[That wasn't how he hoped things could go. Okay, she was being defensive. A bit too much. He always took her for a relatively meek pushover that was good at handling the group together, but nothing more. Everyone in their group was scarcely sharing informations about their past -beside Wyll, but he was a special case-, and he assumed she just seemed fit to do the same. What exciting life could a priestess of Selune even have had in Baldur's Gate? Because that's where everyone was kidnapped, right?

He could smell the hormones in her blood send signals of alarm, was she feeling... threatened? He blinked in her direction, even if his eyes didn't require so, this was more interesting than he expected. Her first reaction, almost defensive at the idea he had the journal for some time, and... this. What kind of secrets was she even hiding from them, mh?]

Oh, come on, is this how you treat one who is couring you and wants to help? [He was stubborn, she should have known that by now.] And I'm looking for Tieflings anyway, if we have to plan their breakout, do I have to ask every single one of them if they know you? give me something more to work with, come on.

Come on. You're involved in my deal with Raphael, it's only fair I give you something back.

[Not his modus operanti, nor someting he believed, but he had his reasons to say so.]

Who knows, maybe I still have something to share, maybe not.

[divinestrike]

[It would have been better for him to say nothing. Just to let her have her way. To get the hint that she had no intentions of sharing anything with him. And she couldn't say which part it was that made her snap. Maybe it was the ridiculous notion that he was 'courting' her. Maybe it was that he said he 'wanted to help.' Maybe it was that he was pulling the whole Raphael fiasco into it when she never would have gotten involved in had he not been foolish enough to do something that was most likely going to disrupt all of them.

Whatever it was, she found her patience with him had evidently hit its limits. Setting the journal off to the side, for some moments, her quiet made it simply seem as though she was simply planning to leave and say nothing more to him. In truth, that was probably the wiser thing to do. Instead, what happened afterwards was considerably quicker.

For once, not feeling a particular hesitance in violating his personal space where he had spent so many days with his cunning tongue, smarmy attitude, doing the same to her, she leaned toward him, settling her weight into one hand, practically in his lap. Her other hand, claw and all, jabbed at his chest, though with enough consideration that it wasn't going to hurt.]

We— [She gestured between the two of them.] —are not courting. [She didn't know what he was trying to do when it came to her. Maybe he was trying to court her, but she had to know it and agree to it for it to happen. And Nepione suspected she was not at all easy to woo or seduce. And she certainly didn't feel she was worth the effort considering what lingered behind her or how much she desperately wanted to keep others at a distance from her.] Stay out of my personal life. If I wanted you there, I would invite you there. I don't. Not you, not any of the others. When I'm ready to talk about it, I will. I may never be, and your only option is to accept that. Do not manipulate me. Do not attempt to use my feelings against me. I don't like it.

[And it was only by the end of it that she realised how close she was to him, how she left just a shred of space between them. How much something from her past had such a grip on her that it left her breath shuddering, because really, it wasn't all him. Certainly, Astarion had annoyed her and frustrated her, but he had never really made her angry. The fact that she remained as she was, positioned between daring him to challenge her, to give her a reason to make an immensely dramatic spectacle or to simply break, she thought the latter was unacceptable.

So sure, he could just get mad right back at her.]

[pale_elf]

[That was new. He did pull back just slightly when she invaded his personal space and raised an eyebrow, but otherwise holding his gaze up and looking at her without retreating further. He didn't like when others stepped in his personal space, he was the one who moved toward them now, but he also felt... curious about her reaction. This was probably more real than any of her other talks and between the speed her blood moved in her body and the hormones he cold feel in it, he knew she was ready to jump him.

De-escalating the sitation was necessary if he wanted to stay in the group and the vampire was well versed enough with people to know he was one step away from making her blow in his face. He still couldn't help himself as he gestured between the two of them as well.]

I am well aware we are not courting. It would be much easier if that was the case. I am courting you.

[He could have brought it up in a more animalistic way, considering she seemed so fond of a certain druid, and remember her that some creatures and animals just courted the person they liked, it wasn't necessarily mutual... but that would have been like pouring oil on a fire. He considered his options and in the end he decided that the best way to avoid a scene was straight up ignoring her warnings. Oh, now he was going to be more attentive to anything he cold find about her, he didn't need the cleric of Selune to also have risky secret. They already walked with a bomb man and a tiefling that could burn at any given moment.

He could try to... move the discussion, though.]

Please stand back. It's been days since I had any food, I am starving and you're too close for your own safety.

[He wasn't going to respect any of her requests. It was a shame he didn't anticipate such strong rejecton or he would have actualy read the entire diary.]

[divinestrike]

[As much as she tried to hold it back, she couldn't resist the immediate scoff that left her. Semantics. Technicalities! And she hated that he responded to her so nonchalantly, like nothing she wanted mattered. But how had that been any different than how she'd been treated before? It really hadn't been. Except this time it wasn't because she had horns and a tail. At least, she was relatively certain it had nothing to do with that.

It was just Astarion being Astarion.

His warning, however, was something she hadn't expected. She certainly imagined he hadn't eaten for... likely days. Quite possibly not much since they'd arrived in the Shadow-Curse to begin with. Although she'd once offered to him to help where he needed it, she hadn't asked, hadn't pried, hadn't made the offer again since then. And his warning very well might have been the only one he was willing to give.

Studying him for some moments, suspecting that everything she'd said had gone in one pretty pointed ear and out the other, she decided to proverbially throw up her hands. If he wasn't going to listen, she wasn't going to bother wasting her time speaking. It was as simple as that. Drawing back from him, she reached for the journal he'd retrieved amidst his... whatever it was he was doing and she brought herself to her feet making way for the entry to his tent where she paused for just a moment before she looked back to him.]

If you have anything else to say to me, Astarion, now is the time to do so, as I won't be giving you that option again in the near future.

[pale_elf]

[Oh, please, as if there was even the slightest hint of racism in Astarion's aweet congealed blood. All humanoid species of Faerun were equally annoying in his eyes and he barely listened to any of them. Especially the gnomes. (But did gnomes even count?). He squinted in her direction, crimson eyes studying her body's movements, the hostile posture, everything. He was familiar enough with rejections when it mattered to recognize what was happening and know he probably messed up a step there, even if he didn't expect her to be so.. closed off?

What in the nine hells was she even hiding from them? If there was a chance the woman had anything that put them at risk, like Gale and his ticking chest bomb, then he had to know. There were enough problems as it was without adding the risk that this cleric had a dangerous family or something. Rationalizing his own negative feelings under the label 'must protect myself' allowed him to push to the side the vague awareness he felt hurt by her reaction and keep a straight face in front of Nepione. He gulped when she moved away, an instinctive reaction tied to his need for blood, but otherwise managed to stay immobile as a statue until she decided to speak again.

He grimaced, of course she was already running away. Well, she could run back to her druid now and he knew better than going out of his way to bring her anything else. If this was the result after going out of his way multiple times to make her at least vaguely happy, then maybe he chose the wrong target entirely. And she wanted to be Like That? He was goint to repay with the same coin, totally ignoring the fact he was... angry. And that his reaction wasn't smart nor adeguate if he wanted to keep his protection.]

Let me say that no matter what you do, the past has the habit to sneak on people when they less expect it. Make sure you're prepared to handle that.

[divinestrike]

[She actually did give his response consideration, because it deserved it. In any other situation, it was accurate, at that. His own past was rapidly closing in on him. Shadowheart's was something similar. They were right in the middle of Halsin's past. Wyll's had him gripped tightly. Gale was certainly living with the consequences of his every single day.

When it came down to her, Nepione got the feeling that she was the only person who didn't have something like that waiting for her.

Carefully holding the journal to her chest, a touch protective, she loosed a breath as she watched Astarion closely and then she shook her head slowly.]

You misunderstand. [She corrected him.] I think I might be the only person in this camp who would actually want to reunite with the past. Longed for it, you might say. You asked me what I was looking for at Moonrise Towers. That is it. I'm looking for my past. I'm yearning for it with every beat of my heart. I'm obsessed with it.

And this— [She gently tapped her fingertips against the collection of memories that he found.] —gives me hope. Perhaps... a little fear, as well. I just need the rest of you to view me a certain way. I can't lead the rest of you if I get too caught up in whatever this might be. That's why I don't want you looking for me. If you do, I won't be able to stop thinking about it. It ruins my ability to be effective and to focus on what I feel is paramount.

[She gestured to him indicatively.] You. You are paramount. Halsin is paramount. Gale is paramount. Shadowheart is paramount. All of you are paramount.

[pale_elf]

[The vampire squinted in her direction. That- as soon as he gave up on getting her to talk or share, she decided to open up? It wasn't confusing at all, no, but he had to admit it made him feel... strangely calmer? He shifted on his seat to look at her oncemore, fully turning his body on the pillow, and tried to process all of that.

They had someone who was basically slave of an evil goddess, someone who had been groomed by a goddess, a crazy Gith that worshiped her queen as a goddess and, despite this trend of 'gods ruin everything they touch', Nepione was apparently just... a lost girl of some sort? A bit underwhelming, perhaps, but he did feel some sort of pride in knowing he was the one holding this information right now.]

So you want us to perceive as the infallible leader who needs no help whatsoever? That is going to make you crack, darling.

[He didn't miss how she tended to the journal, the fingertip tap, and when he spoke it was with a much calmer tone. Now, he had to show her that someone else could take at least a bit of control of the situation and she didn't need to 'mom' them, because that was the impression he was getting.]

Am I to assume your family is full tiefling? I will keep an eye open for any of them who isn't Rowan's siblings or Bex's spouse. If I find anything else relevant, I will bring it to you. It's not that difficult. You won't even have to think about it unless something relevant happens to be found and you can keep fawning over mister musk while I do what I am best at. Gathering information.

[He wanted to object he didn't want to be put in the same level as Halsin, but he let that side.]

Thank you for taking care of us, mother, but I promise you we can survive one night or two if you decide to breathe for yourself for once. Hells, how many people did you assist since this journey started?

[divinestrike]

[She didn't outright respond, but she also didn't immediately argue or retort either. Infallible was certainly a word for it. It was important that none of them perceived her as someone who could emotionally be a liability. A bleeding heart, yes. That was fine. Nepione didn't doubt that even she had a limit to what she could handle. It was why she had to take her alone time the way she did. Selûne helped her stay balanced. Reminded her of where her focus needed to be. Not on herself, but on others.

She was not immune, however, to... 'cracking,' as Astarion had put it.

When he asked about her family, she didn't respond. It wouldn't have been important to him, so she didn't see the point. His assumption was accurate, of course, though she supposed her lack of an answer could have been read as anything. The rest of what followed caught her just a touch off guard, however.]

F-fawning over...! [And she could only assume, based on his terms of endearment, that 'musk man' referred to the very wise druid in their midst.] The only thing I'm doing with Halsin is helping him. The same as I help everyone else here. If you want to consider that 'fawning,' then you might as well assume I'm fawning over all of you.

[Blatantly untrue.

She nearly bristled when he referred to her as 'mother,' though he wasn't exactly wrong there either. She definitely mothered all of them, which was ironic considering age differences. But that was simply the way she was. She could no more turn that off than she could have willed herself to stop breathing sans effort in the moments that followed.]

Astarion, you know I don't keep track of that. Did it ever occur to you that I might prefer to focus on someone other than myself?

[pale_elf]

[Between all his words, it was him suggesting anything going on between her and Halsin that got her to talk back, huh? It somehow annoyed him more than it was supposed to, but- it had to be only because if her attention shifted too much toward another person, then he straight up failed with his plan. It wasn't just inconvenient, it was.. proof that he lost his touch or something. The vampire rolled his eyes once more and taped his nose.]

You say that with your pretty mouth but your body speaks a different language.

[That wasn't completely true. He could smell fear, anxiety and arousal, those were hormones he learnt to read in the bloodflow of people just by smelling them, but Nepione wasn't exactly giving off any strong scent around Halsin. Not that she needed to know that. He got what he needed anyway: find tiefling parents if they're in the tower, pray they're nor converted tadpole absolutists. He could work with that.]

Oh, but it's good to know you're also fawning after me after all my efforts, truly. A bit of a shame I have to share you with Lae'Zel as well, she feels like the possessive type when she claims a mate- but I don't know much of her kind, to be honest. Just make sure she doesn't try to cut my head off, mh? Also not me and Gale at the same time, I have standards.

[Him and the wizard were really good at pretending mutual disdain for each other. But enough joking.]

I think most of us would like not to think about our issues and move on from them, but no one can run forever.

[divinestrike]

It does no such thing.

[At least not to her knowledge. She actually had no idea what she looked like or what her posture said about her when she was speaking with anyone. Usually. Exceptions applied, naturally, just as they had when it came to giving Astarion a piece of her mind. Ignoring the reddening colour that rapidly beginning to fill her cheeks, she shook her head in disbelief.]

I'm not fawning over anyone. I just don't have time to be doing such things.

[Feeling like she had to resign herself to his relentless teasing, however, she figured she was in no place to argue more than she already had.

Lifting a hand to fiddle with her hair, she considered how to respond. What exactly was she trying to flee from? Him. The others. Just about everything if it came to her emotional state.]

I'm not running. I simply have more important things to do. The Cult of the Absolute and our tadpoles have to be prioritised. Everything else needs to come in later, if it comes at all.

[pale_elf]

Darling, I spent roughly two hundred years seducing people. I know what I see.

[His dislike toward Halsin and his inability to stay in the camp for too long didn't let him see much, perhaps, but he didn't need to. The fact she was blushing, blood rushing to her cheeks, was also more than enough- she didn't have such strong reactions when he was the one making advances, but the simple suggestion of the druid... bah.

He didn't address her second sentence, merely studying her words and posture before getting up himself and bringing a hand to his hips. It was probably better to head out once more, even if he needed his rest. Maybe he could find a spot over the last light inn's roof? Jaheira was going to question that choice, but he could just tell her he wanted to feel safe for once, not just sleep in a place that was 'cursed but not cursed enough to do damage'. He just.. needed out of there.]

Try not to be a candle that burns on both sides, it will benefit no one if you strain yourself too much. Yourself included. And trust me, I want to be done with the Absolute, with the tadpole, with Cazador- as much as everyone else wants to be done with their issues.

Pushing yourself until you snap isn't helpful. I have been there, multiple times, and it only makes things worse.

[divinestrike]

[She watched him make way for his feet, the way his posture changed, the same graceful movements he always had. Even when he was feeling annoyed or upset with her. Or whatever it was that he was feeling. She could never really tell. Always felt like she could only guess, and her guess was always wrong.

For just a moment, she felt the sudden rise of... something. It was almost like fear. Like a wave of it, though she couldn't figure out the source. Him, perhaps. The truth in his words, maybe. The concept of failure, when it came to her, knowing that she was not fit to be a leader.

In a way, she felt like things fell apart in front of her and she couldn't even catch them.]

I... [She began quietly, nervously tracing tiefling claws against her collar, a subtle little tremor in her hand.] ...I know. Everyone else handles things better. I try to do the best that I can, but I know that it isn't very good. It would be easier for everyone I think, if I were a different kind of person. [She paused for just a moment before she continued.] No. No, it would be better if I wasn't here at all. I'm only here because a stupid artefact that we barely understand picked me. To call me a leader of anything is... is laughable. I know I'm not even worthy of that.

[When it really dawned on her, she never spoke about her own feelings on their matter. Like they didn't even exist. A part of her wondered why it spilt out of her now. Probably because she had fractured. At least in part.]

You weren't wrong, though. I really am just a tiefling, trying to mother a bunch of people, who don't want it. Who don't need it.

[pale_elf]

['Walk out, this is a trap', his brain had seen people act like that countless times and it had always been a way to make him lower his guard. But this was Nepione and this was something he didn't expect from her- and to which he didn't know how to answer. If he just... let her go when she was ready to leave, playing the cool silent guy could have been an option but no. Now he was dealing with actual feelings and while he didn't want to recognize it with himself, he knew what it was like to feel like nothing.

He paused, raised one hand in front of her and tried to find the right words. He was not going to be too kind, it just wasn't in his blood, but he couldn't just let things slide like that, right? He could feel her anxiety, see the tremor in her hand, he wished he wasn't as perceptive as nature made him sometimes.]

That. Is not. What. I said.

[How to continue? She was digging a hole for herself without his help and who even knew how long she harbored those feelings- since the nautilus went down? Did she have plenty of insecurities even before?]

Stop thinking like this. I don't know how to handle it. But- [He glanced down, to the right, a direction that usually meant someone was collecting his thoughts and memories, elaborating them, not fabricating lies.] Just imagine this... without you. There would be a whole bunch of nothing left to protect at the Last Light Inn, because when the fist attacked you were there. And I guess there would have been no one to stop Lae'Zel and Shadowheart from killing each other. To convince us not to kill Karlach from a distance but hear her words out. And let's not mention the nothing we would have found back in the grove- because you know if it had been up to me and Lae'Zel we would have been with the Goblins. Easier. Quicker. More convenient.

Do you realize how many people you saved along the way? And Gods I don't like to play hero, but here I am, running around and playing my part. Just a tiefling, you say, but you're literally keeping this group glued together. Even if we don't need a mom.

[He wanted to throw in a 'as much as I hate Halsin' right after the 'group' part, but managed to hold it back. This... exchange made sense, if he stopped to think about it. They needed their leader not to fall apart and he was ready to give the motivational speech that was required- even if he didn't know where to begin with it.]

You are doing one hell of a good job at keeping us alive. That being said- you don't have to take everyone's problems on your back alone. That is something you really have to work on.

[divinestrike]

["I don't know how to handle it."

For several breaths, and she wasn't sure how many exactly, she didn't even say anything, simply sifting through the variety of thoughts like there was a physical pile of them. Most of which had never seen the light of day, wrapped up tightly and hidden in a place where she hoped no one would find them.

She wasn't proud of the present moment. Of what she looked like in it. Would have been easier, perhaps, to continue her little charade. Having a real conversation felt... terrifying. Exhausting. It left her remarkably exposed. But maybe there was nothing she could have done. She'd been the one who started it, regardless of Astarion's role in it.

He was not the one to blame, but did she really think that or had she just developed the poor habit of assuming all responsibility had to be hers?

The way she held the journal to her tightened, claws threatening the integrity of its exterior.

He didn't need to say any of that. Some of it she didn't even agree with. It was hard to hear. Hard to listen to. Hard to not immediately reject all of it. She hated the praise for what she felt wasn't really her doing at all. The worst part was that whenever she spoke, she couldn't just take it back.

He would always know. He would look at her and would always remember. So in effect, she'd already ruined that.]

You... don't need to reassure me. [She replied gently, as kindly as she could, considerably worn down to the point where she wouldn't outright refuse.] I think I've stayed here long enough. Taken your time long enough. But—

[But she appreciated it. She knew she did. Where she ordinarily would have said it, she felt like she couldn't force the words out. Embarrassment, perhaps.]

Uhm. [Lifting a hand and drawing a claw over her bottom lip in thought, she struggled with what to say. An apology would have been the best thing to give, but she was too humiliated to do that, too.] You said before that you haven't eaten for days. Everyone needs you. Please take advantage of your resources. Before you go to Moonrise.

[pale_elf]

[Real conversations were terrifying, yes, and Astarion was learning that truth himself lately now that he was exposing some of hit truths to others and- it was scary. It made you feel exposed, vulnerable, judged, but perhaps they were all past the point where they could play pretend. He hated being there instead of fighting for his life in the shadowed village or being chased by Gurs, truly.

The fact she wasn't responding as he expected to his words, despite his decades spent practicing the art of making the others feel special, it was driving him insane.]

This is not reassuring you, this is what I see with my fucking eyes. Which, apparently, work much better than yours. [No, he had to avoid sounding angry, he had to- his shoulders deflated as he let out a deep breath.] Silliness, I am the one who invited you here.

Really, you take too many responsibilities and too little credit. Why is that?

[Abusive household? People telling her she wasn't good enough as a cleric through her life? Probably some racism too, after all she was a tiefling and he knew how people were. He just needed to figure that one out and work on it, eventually. If there were multiple factors at work, he was going to tackle them one at time- after all she was important to the team and Nepione breaking down at the worst possible moment, it was important for everyone's survival.

And he couldn't imagine her not building even more barriers, now that control slipped once. He had to slowly chip them away and not give her time to... he didn't know! Heal? How in the name of the nine hells did that work? No, this was in the name of survival and-

The offer from the girl made him take a half step back, his lips turning into a thin line. He wanted to accept, he wanted to bite anything at this point, but he spent so long with Cazador just giving him enough to keep him going, he survived a year in a tomb without drinking a single drop, and- and right after such conversation, it suddenly felt too intimate as a moment to share.]

No. I appreciate the offer, but it's a no. You fight in the fray, I don't. You can hit multiple enemies at time, I can't. If we go and assault Moonrise Tower- [It was a matter of when, not if.] you are the one who must be at her best. Not me. I still have a few days of autonomy before I start looking at everyone thinking they're big walking snacks, I don't intend to lose control.

Now. Why don't you... go? And maybe make yourself pretty in the silver dress and leave work to the side for one night? Read your journal, brush your hair, go cuddle the bear, do something for yourself.

[Why did he feel like retching after that last sentence? No time to question himself.]

[divinestrike]

I—

[Words locked into her throat. She didn't know what to address first. There was just so much. All she'd tried to do was accept his input without turning it down, that latter of which was normally how she would have handled it.

She didn't even have a good reason for why she did as she did. She suspected it had to do with her experiences. Spending her life feeling that she didn't belong anywhere, looked at like she was some monster, it was like she played at being anything other than herself. She longed for companionship, longed to have someone she could trust, but was afraid the moment she let any such person close enough to her to do so, that they would either do unto her a great harm, or it would be so fleeting that she would be left in shambles.

The very real possibility of dying remained a constant in her head as well. She had to do everything she could, just in case one of these days were her last.

That was so much to say, though. It only would have angered him more and heart-to-hearts were not something she thought he would enjoy.]

I'm sorry. [She managed to utter, though it was almost hushed. Her flush darkened and she pointedly focused on the pillow she'd sat on when he'd originally invited her in.] As usual, everything I try to say comes out wrong around you. I can't ever say the right thing.

[She had to force herself to laugh, quiet as it was, because she was afraid of what she'd do otherwise. At least she hadn't started crying in front of him. That would have been worse, though there hadn't been many moments in which she had, and it had been so long since she had, she wasn't certain that she still could. She did not want to test that.

So instead, she eyed him with concern. Why was it fine for him to get after her about care and ignore his own? It didn't even have to be her. She'd never even mentioned herself. Maybe he was afraid that he wouldn't be able to stop. Or maybe he was afraid in general. Still a man of secrets, she still felt like she didn't even know him. Just a perfect stranger. As she moved her gaze back onto him, trying to at least seem more a little more at peace (likely for his sake), her gaze was far more transparent with her prying concern for him. For his state.

But he had said no.]

I'll go, as you want me to, but... Halsin and I aren't like that. I don't know where you got such a silly idea, but that just isn't the way things are. So please, let's try not to start any rumours of that sort.

[Probably the last thing she needed as she reached for the entrance to his tent with the intentions of lifting it to show herself out.

She wouldn't promise the rest. Knowing how vulnerable she felt, it seemed best to stay to herself. To do the same thing she always did. Figure things out for the days to come. That wouldn't please him either, but what he wouldn't know, wouldn't hurt him.]