He had a very valid reason for not giving it to her straightaway then, it seemed. He was right. She always put others above her. If she'd thought someone else needed it, she would have given it easily. Instead, it was something that he evidently wanted very specifically for her. Which made her look at it in a completely different light. Why did things have to be so difficult? What made him think she was even worthy? Because she certainly wasn't.
At least, not in her less-than-glorified opinion.
In her quiet, she admired the way it looked, gentle and dainty. Unsuspecting. Pretty. Tracing the pad of her thumb over it wordlessly, it was as he spoke that she turned her head ever in slight, just enough to catch him from the corner of her gaze. She knew that he thought of her as important. She knew that he cared about her in some way. At least, so he'd said previously, though she'd struggled to determine truth from fiction with him a multitude of times.
At the campfire and when she thought about the night that she had simply held him, both moments felt very real. Weighted. Significant. He said 'friends.' Yes, she supposed they were. At the very least. It must have been a very difficult thing for him to start caring about anyone. For a plethora of reasons. Wanting to care, being afraid to do so. How very human of him. She felt the same way, too. Wanting to be able to express that better, terrified to do so, afraid of what the repercussions could be. On him, she got it. On herself, she just felt like a pathetic coward.
As she was still watching Halsin rest, Astarion's words hit her ear and she focused more fully upon the vampire spawn.]
No.
["He won't push you away."
No. She knew that. If she even dared toβ Well. That part wasn't important. It was the way Astarion put it. Halsin wouldn't push her away. Not... the way Astarion would? Were those the words he was hiding? Or was she just seeing something that didn't actually exist? Certainly would have explained his behaviour as of recent. Pushing and pulling. Still afraid. What was he so afraid of when it came to her? Had she not proven herself?
...Maybe not.]
If I did, he would get the wrong idea. My... [She paused for some moments, drawing her gaze aside.] My feelings lie elsewhere. [Which was true. That she was even willing to admit that she had some seemed like a remarkable step forward. Much less that she was willing to say such a thing aloud.]
If our heads are both so overgrown with the weight of our burdens, I don't see the harm in us simply sharing company. Misery loves company is what they say, Astarion. If you're not willing to believe that, then at least try to believe that there's strength in unity. That not a single one of us can carry everything ourselves. You told me that before. You need to tell yourself that, too.
[A moment, and then.]
You aren't special. You need others as much as they need you. Believe it or don't. You can deny it all you want, but the only person you'll really end up hurting is yourself. What's the point of living if you're just going to do that? Why even bother fighting once you've reached that?
no subject
He had a very valid reason for not giving it to her straightaway then, it seemed. He was right. She always put others above her. If she'd thought someone else needed it, she would have given it easily. Instead, it was something that he evidently wanted very specifically for her. Which made her look at it in a completely different light. Why did things have to be so difficult? What made him think she was even worthy? Because she certainly wasn't.
At least, not in her less-than-glorified opinion.
In her quiet, she admired the way it looked, gentle and dainty. Unsuspecting. Pretty. Tracing the pad of her thumb over it wordlessly, it was as he spoke that she turned her head ever in slight, just enough to catch him from the corner of her gaze. She knew that he thought of her as important. She knew that he cared about her in some way. At least, so he'd said previously, though she'd struggled to determine truth from fiction with him a multitude of times.
At the campfire and when she thought about the night that she had simply held him, both moments felt very real. Weighted. Significant. He said 'friends.' Yes, she supposed they were. At the very least. It must have been a very difficult thing for him to start caring about anyone. For a plethora of reasons. Wanting to care, being afraid to do so. How very human of him. She felt the same way, too. Wanting to be able to express that better, terrified to do so, afraid of what the repercussions could be. On him, she got it. On herself, she just felt like a pathetic coward.
As she was still watching Halsin rest, Astarion's words hit her ear and she focused more fully upon the vampire spawn.]
No.
["He won't push you away."
No. She knew that. If she even dared toβ Well. That part wasn't important. It was the way Astarion put it. Halsin wouldn't push her away. Not... the way Astarion would? Were those the words he was hiding? Or was she just seeing something that didn't actually exist? Certainly would have explained his behaviour as of recent. Pushing and pulling. Still afraid. What was he so afraid of when it came to her? Had she not proven herself?
...Maybe not.]
If I did, he would get the wrong idea. My... [She paused for some moments, drawing her gaze aside.] My feelings lie elsewhere. [Which was true. That she was even willing to admit that she had some seemed like a remarkable step forward. Much less that she was willing to say such a thing aloud.]
If our heads are both so overgrown with the weight of our burdens, I don't see the harm in us simply sharing company. Misery loves company is what they say, Astarion. If you're not willing to believe that, then at least try to believe that there's strength in unity. That not a single one of us can carry everything ourselves. You told me that before. You need to tell yourself that, too.
[A moment, and then.]
You aren't special. You need others as much as they need you. Believe it or don't. You can deny it all you want, but the only person you'll really end up hurting is yourself. What's the point of living if you're just going to do that? Why even bother fighting once you've reached that?